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Location: Connecticut, United States

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Blindsided

I don’t know why, but lately this is happening a lot to me. More frequently than I can tolerate.

I’m going along, doing my chores, humming, happy because it’s the first sunny day in a month and I take a break, go upstairs to see what’s on the computer and I get a stinky email. Or maybe it’s the same scenario and the phone rings and I pick it up with a happy hello while the caller is only calling to read me out for some imagined slight.

I pride myself in going out of my way to attempt to please all the important people in my life, starting with my husband and children and moving on to other relatives and friends.

This particular email was from a friend who was upset because I said I might not be able to attend a party for her daughter, a party that happened to be planned on a day that we are having a family party.

Now I’ve done an awful lot for this friend in my life – more than I’ve done for anyone else but my immediate family.

Still, it comes down to a "maybe" for one party, and I’m subjected to a half dozen paragraphs of not nice commentary.

(I was actually trying to figure out a way I could stop by this party to avoid the whole hurt feeling scenario when it would have been highly inconvenient for me and my family to do so.)

Back to the email: Comparisons are brought up as to how much she’s done for me and my family and moves on to other nitpicking, foolish and all encompassing always/never statements.

Good mood plummets to bad mood and now I’m feeling grouchy and mean.

I don’t do well with friends for the simple reason that so many of them seem it’s great sport to “discuss” the relationship or to “clear the air” by telling me something negative about myself. Things that I believe are totally unfair and untrue. And because I never criticize a friend or relative, they must think that they've never done a single thing to hurt my feelings or make me angry.

I have this weird idea that I don’t fight with friends nor do I want them fighting with me. When it gets to that point-- the friendship is put-a-fork-in-it dead.

I don’t like fighting and never have.

I don’t fight with my husband or sister or brother. I never fought with my father or mother. I just don’t fight.

I always think that people are doing the best they can; none of us is perfect; most people don’t try to be hurtful – and I’m self-contained enough not to harbor ill will or have grandiose expectations about how people will behave. When I feel people are taking advantage of me or are lying to me or manipulating me, I end the friendship with a whimper rather than a bang. I just avoid them if I can.

Unfortunately, I am bombarded with people who are always on the edge of hurt feelings and when you try as hard as I do to accommodate all these people one isn’t very happy about the attack phone calls or letters.

So, if you -- and you know who you are -- come and visit my blog, please be advised: if you value our relationship, then keep your criticisms to something real, or better, do what I do, give me the benefit of the doubt.

Anyone else have people who pop up into your happy world and drag you down for no good reason?

14 Comments:

Blogger Irina Tsukerman said...

Oh yes. Not friens (fortunately my friends are nothing like that and by definition of being real friends can't be), but distant relatives we fortunately can easily avoid. And then there are occasional critics, whose opinions I don't really ask who criticize me for everything from the way I eat (not enough) to the way I look (too thin) to my plans for the future (make a career rather than stay home), to my expectations of my marriage (a helpful,loyal, and supportive husband or none at all) to, believe it or not, my blogging choices for completely frivolous things. And, um, at first I used to get really annoyed, but since I realized these people are NOT paying my way through college or anything, their opinion really doesn't matter, and I refuse to accomodate them. I just ignore the nonsense and stick to the company of the people, whose criticism is constructive and whose attitude is respectful and supportive. : )

1:34 PM  
Blogger Irina Tsukerman said...

(wow, that was long)

1:34 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Irina...it was the exact right size because you made me feel soooooooo much better and I can tell just by the length of your comment, you've suffered from the same crap I have.

Just because you or I appear strong and in control, doesn't mean we like or aren't affected by sniping and nitpicking.

And, because we do care, is the exact reason why this stuff bothers us so much.

ps Your definition of friends is the same as mine.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Purring said...

She sounds like an unhappy selfish person.

5:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have in the past (friends) and the ones in the present are family I can't ignore. As for the friends, unfortunately, at some point you realize you have to confront them or drop them. Neither is great.

As my friend Anne says, "Put up your shit shield." Basically, other people's shit is theirs and your shit is yours. Don't worry about everyone else's shit.

9:45 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

HI Kari...she's definitely a self-focused person and one who wants to be the Queen Bee at all times.

Melissa, it's amazing. One person whose opinion I strongly respect said the exact same thing as you just did.

From now on I'm going to pay extra attention to your advice!!

7:16 AM  
Blogger Ilanna said...

Mary - I work in customer service... that should tell you right there that i've been there. :)

Truth is, if your friend were really your friend and you told her "I have a family party already scheduled that day, but i'll try to stop by - no guarantees" then she would have said "enjoy your party and I hope to see you!" and that would have been the end of it. Sounds like she doesnt' deserve the friendship...

8:41 AM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Ilanna, boy you have one hard job if you work in customer service.

Reminds me of the time I called my cell-phone customer service line with a question and the woman barked at me her answer. I said, I bet you just had to deal with a miserable customer...I'm sorry.

You can't believe how this woman's attitude changed and how nice she was to me (including dumping a charge that in theory I deserved.) She said no one has ever said that to her and all day long, 7 days a week, all she hears is complaints, swear words, condescension etc.

I salute you Illana for working in Customer Service!!!!

10:08 AM  
Blogger lawbrat said...

OMG! This post is exactly how I feel about my family. I'm the one to dump everything on, and i'm so tired of it. I had to put up more boundaries, and i'm shit for it.

I say: keep your shit, I dont want it!!

::sigh::

4:52 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

lawbrat...why am I not surprised by your comment? Cuz in many ways we are two of the same kind...we try to please and get crapped on for doing so.

I'm working on not caring...(if you have any tips on how to do that let me know!)

10:37 PM  
Blogger lawbrat said...

I wish I could tell you a way to not care. It just dosent happen. At least for me anyway.

1:11 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Lawbrat, I am still so pissed over this....I don't get it...how some people will just attack you for no reason...

2:10 PM  
Blogger Along said...

Oh MB, I'm just like you.

My mom used to say, you can't make everybody like you.

I have no problem with people disliking me or even hating me if I had done something bad/wrong towards them. It's the people who hate me for no apparent reason that causes me to lose sleep.

I have family members and so-called friends who make it their hobby calling out my faults. I try not to let them get to me. It's hard but I always have my hubby and kids to cheer me up afterwards.

Hope you're feel much better.

10:02 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Along...would you believe every time I woke up last night I was thinking about the incident and why people feel free to attack me when I don't ever do that to a single soul.

Then I wondered why I was so bothered....why I felt ill will in my heart.

I decided I was developing a mean streak...but maybe it's just a SPINE!

I'm sorry you too have had the attacks for no reasons. And I'd bet, like me, you have plenty of reasons to be angry about incidents or occurrences with people, but you don't say anything...trying instead to calm the waters rather than stir the pot.

7:13 AM  

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