Devoted, Dieting, Dessert-eaters in Denial
you know who you are



I subscribe to a few publications one would call “women’s magazines” – and it never ceases to amaze me that these publications always seem to have two themes highlighted on the cover: Diets and rich foods.

It never fails: Ten pages of desserts and hi-cal casseroles and ten pages of exercise tips and diets. Talk about schizophrenic!

But when I think about the women I know well, they seem to be examples of this dichotomy – the devoted dieting, dessert eaters in denial. Names have been changed to protect the plump.

Roberta: According to Roberta she has lost over 589 pounds, yet she looks identical to the day I met her – round and overweight. The minute she walks in the door she announces: How do I look? I lost 12 pounds. I can fit into clothes I haven’t worn in years. One thing Roberta doesn’t do is announce when she has gained weight which must be about every other week. Otherwise she would have died years ago when she announced for the 18th time that she’d lost 10 pounds.

Marla: Marla’s a gym rat. Everyday she gets up at 6 am to go to the gym for a 45 minute workout. From the gym, she goes directly to the diner where she orders bacon and eggs, home fries, toast and coffee. Oh yes, she’ll have that short stack too – see she’s worked out and quite hungry. Marla is forever on a diet tread mill. She expends calories for sure, but then eats more than she should which gives her a one pound weight gain per week. If Marla didn’t go to the gym and didn’t then go to the diner, she’d probably be ahead of the game.

Lorna: Lorna uses Sweet 'n Lo in her coffee and only drinks Diet Coke. She always orders a Diet Coke with her Big Mac and super-sized fries. Lorna thinks sugar is responsible for the size of American women’s hips. Apparently she doesn’t think a Big Mac with its 800 plus calories has a thing to do with her broadening beam. Her ticket to gluttony is that one calorie Diet Coke.

Jewel: Jewel has bulges everywhere because she wears a size 12. She tells everyone she wears a size 12, same size as when she got married. The trouble is Jewel’s ass is a size 16. It isn’t a pretty sight to see her bulging tummy which sticks out in the front as much as her butt sticks out in the back, zipper squeaking under the strain of that size 16 being stuffed in those size 12s. All Jewel’s pants fit like they’re panty hose. Fabric is always straining at the seams exposing the weary stitching that is ready to pop open at any moment, leaving Jewel bare-ass naked.

Jean: Jean eats like a bird. We all go out to lunch and order Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches except Jean who’ll just have a salad, thank you. She goes to the salad bar and proceeds to dump 3 pounds of cheese, 4 pounds of croutons and 2 pounds of turkey and ham onto her salad. Then comes the rich thick creamy blue cheese salad dressing and when she walks back to the table with her salad, she’s carrying about 1400 calories on her plate. Jean loves to say: Well, since I only had a salad I’m going to treat myself to dessert. The dessert adds another 675 calories to her meal and she waddles out of the restaurant feeling superior to the Cheesesteak eaters even though she’s had double or triple the calories that we’ve had.

Sarah: Sarah is a taster and sampler. She’s tastes everything she’s cooking and samples everything she’s serving about 31 times until she’s actually eaten a full meal before she sits down to eat. She is also a kids’ plate cleaner. The kids get up from lunch and she finishes off the mac and cheese, the potato chips, the crusts from the peanut butter and jelly, adding in some more calories before she sits down to eat her very small and sensible lunch.

Diane: Diane is a sneak eater. She will not eat in front of you for love or money. But walk out of her kitchen, count to 7 and walk back in and you’ll find her with her mouth stuffed. She’ll try to swallow quickly so you don’t notice, but we all have her number. If you are bored and want to be naughty, just walk out of her kitchen and back in again and I guarantee you’ll find her with a mouthful of something she’s shoved in right after you walked out.

Karla: Karla says she has a metabolism problem. According to her she never eats. “I had nothing for breakfast and nothing for lunch and just steamed salmon and a salad for dinner.” Well Karla, I hate to be cruel, but you are eating something at some time or you couldn’t weigh over 200 pounds. Karla will also tell you that she is big boned and that’s why she appears overweight. Honey, there are no bones in your butt and no bones in your double chin. If one really doesn't eat --then one really loses weight.

My chunky chums will point to me and say: You are so lucky, you never gain weight. That’s not true and luck has nothing to do with it.

I just have taken to heart what my dear mother used to tell me on the subject of weight gain:

What doesn’t go through the lips won’t go on the hips.

There were no fat people in the concentration camps no matter what their metabolism was or how big boned they were.

Never take in more calories than you are expending.

They should put those dieting tips on the cover of the women’s magazines but it’s too simple and too true. So instead they put the picture of the frosted double-fudge brownie and the woman in tights who’s showing off her slim figure that she got by not eating the frosted double-fudge brownie.

Bon Appetit!