If Only We Could…
start over in Blogland.
Maybe this time we could stay totally anonymous so no relatives or friends could read our words – keeping our written thoughts hidden from those that know us and known only to those people who have no idea who we are.
That way we could stay true to our ideals, opinions and concerns without any thought that Aunt Martha might read about how we hate going to her house for the holidays, or some friends learning that although they think the sun rises and shines over their particular heads, we find them selfish and uncaring, manipulative and rude.
Even significant others who know of our blogs can make us alter how we write – always wondering if we put this down in writing, we might hurt their feelings or make them angry which in turn will sap the joy out of writing freely about anything we care to write about.
Then there’s the odd co-worker, client, patient or town resident who through happenstance stumbles upon our blog, puts two and two together and says: I know who this is…even if we use a pseudonym, this can occur.
Then as we flop down in our office chair, the guy in the next cube says: so did you drink till your teeth were fuzzy like you said on your blog?
Or, who were you talking about when you said one of your clients owed you money – I certainly hope it wasn’t me who you were talking about?
Or, get emails like: Hi, this is cousin Sara from
There are numerous other scenarios that come about from speaking freely on blogs but not having your personal security and anonymity firmly in place.
I see many people leaving blogland for greener pastures; they usually have been found out, called on the carpet and accused of doing something wrong by writing down their feelings.
No little diary with a lock has ever elicited such fury.
So at some point we question ourselves: Should we dump our blog and start over? Should we dump blogging in general? Or should we modify what we want to say taking into consideration all the people we might offend?
Or maybe we should just go to a stationery store and buy that old fashioned diary with a lock.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do, how about you?
posted by mary bishop | 9:34 AM
21 Comments:
You should never tell your family friends or anyone who knows you personally (coworkers) about your blog, its not a good idea. You end up having to watch what you say and edit yourself to death just so you dont piss off the people you're close to. That and dont blog under your real name, make one up and stick with it. Dont drop real names of family and friends either cause if they for some reason google their name it may lead them to your blog. There are only two people who i know personally who read mine and thats the way i want it to say. Sometimes i wanna just tell my friends about it, but i keep my mouth shut because i never know when i want to bad mouth them behind their backs...
Nate - you are so right...I wish I'd followed your advice from the first day I started blogging. I hate the self editing which I seem to do more and more frequently.
I think it's happening to a lot of people, I see more white bread posts now than before and more people disappearing into the ether, maybe to come back as reinvented souls; maybe to give it up completely.
Lately I've written more posts that I can't publish than the ones that I can.
Metro - that's exactly the problem I think most people are having now. We've all become overly polite and fearful of telling our real truths to protect others or to keep ourselves out of trouble!
We've got to change this somehow or more and more blogs will die a slow death of banality.
it's sad. (sigh) but at the same time I don't think that a paper diary would accomplish the same thing. I *LIKE* writing and having comments left. I like knowing people out there can offer advice, commiserate with me, and make suggestions when i need them. And sometimes I just like being able to vent, and venting that doesn't go anywhere, just isn't venting. ya know? :) Using pseudonyms should be enough. If someone finds out about it and gets upset, well in my opinion, that is their problem. They made the effort to seek out and decode someone else's blog. IF they don't like what they read, that's their problem. you aren't blasting them publicly, you aren't writing libelous things, you should be able to express yourself...
I remember my first post - about my cousin's wedding. I had to edit that SOO Much just in case they found it, i didnt' want it coming back on my aunt. But now, I write away and at this point I don't care. This is what I think and feel and hear, and if they find it and complain, there's such a thing as plausible deniability, or "I don't care about what you think." :)
Ilanna...I have pretty much said the same: if you don't like what I write then don't read it...but sometimes I feel like I'm being stalked by certain relatives who never comment but seem to soak each post in and remember it for future use.
I really am toying with going away and coming back as a new identity. Just so I can start over and do it right this time.
My blog is not anonymous in the first place, so I don't have to worry about this issue. I don't go advertising it in real life, although I admit, it might come in as an advantage later on. My friends and family know that I have one, and are either supportive or don't care at all. However, I don't really write about my family at all, to avoid any possible "issues", so that never becomes a problem.
Irina, it's a form of freedom to eliminate family or friends from your blog entries. But then again, if you were anonymous, would you ever write something then that you don't or can't write now?
By virtue of family etc. knowing about your blog, it has to in some way affect what you write about, doesn't it?.
To be honest, I don't think I'd be blogging about my family anyway, because my original purpose of blogging was somewhat different.
MB -
I know many blogs have shut down because of this problem...my blog is neither anonymous no incredibly controversial...but I really feel for those who have had to adjust their blogs or make them disappear.
Bradley
The Egel Nest
Hi MB:
Even though I don't have a blog of my own.........I have come to love the world of blogging through the Egel Nest. That's how I found you!
PLEASE don't give up your blog! There are many of us out here who so enjoy reading it! I don't always comment.....but I LOVE to read what you have to say....and find it most interesting and thoughtful. I have learned a LOT from you!
Those who don't like it can lump it, as we used to say years ago!!
Keep up the wonderful work. You have many followers!
Love,
Linda
Bradley's Mom
Selfish Oracle, I say it takes a brave person to kill off one blog and start anew. But if I ever do decide to do that, I'll be sure to let all my dear readers know.
Bradley - I wish I could stay non-contorversial, but knowing me as I do...I don't think that's possible for me ;-)
Sweet sweet Linda - if I ever do stop blogging on Tchotchkes, Bradley and you would be people who I would definitely share my new blog address with. (I hate to give up my Tchotchkes name...I still love it!)
Thanks for all your kind words --
Hi again MB:
Yes......... there are so many wonderful Yiddish words.......but Tchotchkes is one of my favorites. It is VERY expressive, and covers a LOT of ground!!!
I love that name for your blog!
I am very relieved to hear that I would be on your list........WHEW!
Have a great day!
Love,
Linda
Linda, when I was first married our next door neighbors and soon to be best friends used Yiddish terms all the time and I just hung on their words as the sounds and meanings appealed to me right away.
xoxox
El Güero -- intimidation does work. One says they don't care or aren't scared...only at first. After getting a few really nasty emails I worry that if some nut really wanted to get to me...I've left enough clues on my blog for them to find me.
Ick..the thought makes me shiver.
Well, having been exposed, manipulated, and misrepresented, I've decided to just keep on keeping on, with a few modifications.
But the white bread posts you speak of haunt me, and I see my own writing becoming less and less, well...personal, I guess. Maybe the better word there is authentic.
So, it's an ongoing problem. One I'm not quite sure how to solve. But I keep trying.
here is the thing most people are cowards at heart and have more bravado on an anonymous venue like the internet.
because they know it is hard to find them (not impossible) but difficult.
but if you worry about what other people think or feel then you being detrimental to yourself. sure some sensitivity to others is necessary like i dont use the name of my family members if i can help it but occasionally i do post pictures.
my blog is not really anonymous since i am using a nickname my friends and family know.
i do try not to blog too much about work if i can help it but i occasionally i have to -
my blog is about me and what i do- it keeps me in touch with friends around the world and right next door.
i am not giving it up any time soon. :)
Summer...please don't go white bread -- it would break my heart as you are unique and enigmatic and wildly interesting to read.
Jackie -- I've made some mistakes...posts about my M-I-L that were somehow decoded by her daughter and caused me some chagrin...but it was all true ha!
I blog under a pseudonym, though Sheryl is my real name.
I think I have some fucked up ideas about emotional expression (ok I know it) (by fucked up I mean unrealistic and not well understood by me yet), because I just don't see the need to rant or vent on blogs. And I think ranting and venting are a big part of what makes people afraid to be truthful (though certainly there are MANY other topics that would have the same effect... like my own writing last summer about molestation when I was a child).
I don't rant or vent in real life and I don't like it when people do it in my presence in real life, when they do it in such a way as to pretend I am NOT present. As in, don;t really want to have a conversation about it or be asked questions about their feelings or in any way called on what they have to say. Peole do rant/vent like this to other people in real life. I find it bizarre and if it's a pattern, seems abusive.
I guess what I am getting at is that I wish people were fairer-minded, more open communicators in their real lives. More empathetic, even during rants/vents/arguments. I want people to be emotionally present, not fly into a rage with abandon and self righteous anger, take turns, really listen, and really respond to each other.
It sometimes depresses me that so many bloggers posts are basically about how they cannot imagine why people have different responses, feelings, thoughts, habits, values than they do. Plus, it is just so fucking boring.
In my own life, I've sort of forced myself to "eat my own dogfood" (a programming phrase)... if I am going to blog about it I have to be willing to talk about it with the people who are most important.
I know this is an unrealistic expectation for people, especially the people who are different than me, who get enraged at other people in traffic or people at the post office or wherever, and feel the need to vent about it and feel better having blogged about it.
I just don't sweat the small stuff very often and, if I do, I pretty much think something else is going on underneath and it is my job to figure out what it is before I subject anymore innocent bystanders to it.
I know I'm weird.
ok, but the other thing I want to talk about is - if you (you meaning anyone, but I think using the word "one" is waaaay too stuffy for me) have things that you really have to get off your chest and you don't want anyone to know about it - why NOT just have an anonymous blog? You could have two blogs. One for stuff you don't mind people knowing, and one for secret confessions. I mean, if the audience is important, but so is notoriety, and relationships with bloggers, well... I guess my hard stance on that is you should either shit or get off the pot.
Good points Sheryl...which is why I struggle with how and where I write - who my audience is, if I even need an audience and why I'm doing this in the first place.
Before blogging, I wrote because I like to write...but then blogs showed me that feedback was great...loved it. I loved the crap comments too. Someone somewhere actually read what I wrote and took the time to say something. Amazing!
And I have taken steps to be anonymous...but not enough to fool all of the people...all of the time to steal a quote.
Two blogs would be too much.
One blog is all I want. But I don't want to shut this one down...lose my archives and friends...don't want to come back a new persona which I then tell my blogging buddies is actually me and I don't want to compromise like I'm doing daily...by white washing what I really want to say.
Dilemma
Having the audience has helped me personally, in a couple of important ways.
Getting comfortable expressing my feelings in front of others. That there is enough room for everyone to have feelings and feelings are not wrong.
The other things is that I learned to accept what people have to say even if it seems completely unrelated to what I am writing about (projecting) or ridiculously positive/complementary. I learned some of this in art school (thousands of hours of critiques).
I decided a few months ago to try to respond with my true feelings or a statement about myself if I was going to respond. I started to think that everything everyone expresses all the time (no matter how they say it) is basically a statement about how they feel, so why not be clear about it? I am learning to own my own feelings.
Keep us posted on what you decide. I genuinely like your blog and your voice.
P.S. I have heard that livejournal allows you to have one online journal with some private entries and some public, and that you can grant certain people rights to some entries. I wonder if that would work better for you?
Funny you should mention livejournal...one of the areas I have decided to explore.
I'm glad such an interesting person such as you, Sheryl, find my somewhat mundane musings enjoyable.
Because, if one (I know you hate that word) writes a post and no one comments, did one actually say anything?
Also, how about the people who say: you'd have a pretty good blog if you added pictures.
Hmmm
The only pictures I try to create are those in the readers' heads. I really think words should suffice...books have been doing that for years.
Plus, I am not good at mixed media, but excellent, by the way, at mixed drinks.
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