The Envelopes Please…!
(No thank you)
The stories you are about to read are true. The names have been changed to protect the greedy.
My phobia for going to the mailbox is relatively new. I didn’t always feel this way. I live within my means, so it isn’t bills I fear.
It’s those envelopes; the ones with the real full-strength stamps on them. Hand addressed.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up just thinking about them.
The big fat ones are the worst but usually you get a small one first to warn you. The small ones are bad also. When one trip to the mailbox yields three of these I want to scream. When a weeks worth of mail yields 4 or 5 of them I want to join a witness protection program.
Ah yes. Let the invitations begin!
Baby shower, bridal shower (which let’s you know one of those big fat wedding invitations will soon follow) graduation parties, christenings, birthday parties, and on and on. A quick estimate of minimum gift expenditure per invitation, and I’d be out a grand this week if I attended all the weddings, parties, showers, etc. that I’m invited to.
It’s one thing if you get an invitation from someone who’s near by – but how about if you live thousands of miles away and still get: Joshua is graduating high school! Please help Joshua celebrate his graduation by attending a picnic at our home…
Sorry, yes, 4 years ago you lived next door and three times we talked over the fence, but no I’m not traveling from Connecticut to California to attend a picnic at your home. (Besides, Joshua was a nasty little prick who teased my dogs, toilet-papered my yard and urinated in my bird bath for fun. He’s not getting a cent from me for any reason.)
Or the most recent big fat wedding envelope I received.
Alison and Wesley Morgan and Mame and Henry Farquist request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their children Carrie Laura Morgan and Tyler Franco Farquist…blah blah blah.
Not a single name looks familiar. I’ve never heard of these people, so I wait till husband comes home and show him the invitation. He is rubbing his chin and his brow is furrowed. He’s not sure, but maybe its the new guy who works in accounting – he might be Tyler Franco Farquist…husband thinks he heard someone call him Ty or maybe not…maybe it was Sy – not sure, but he’d check on it.
Really, you just start working for a company and you sweep all departments with a mass mailing of wedding invitations? By the way, six “suggestion” cards fall out of the envelope about where Carrie and Tyler have a wedding registry.
A quick look on the internet shows me that Carrie or Tyler or both, have expensive tastes. They don’t want a damn thing under $100 – one item on the list was $99.99 and that was for one espresso cup rimmed in gold…yeah sure, I’ll put off getting my washing machine fixed so I can send you a teeny tiny cup…not on your life baby.
Or my all time favorite from a super tight-wad ex neighbor who was giving her daughter a wedding shower. (No stamp on the reply envelope, by the way.)
Wedding Shower for Carol Lawson
given by Faith Lawson (mother)
After the who, came the what, where and why.
But then came the special requests:
A note from Faith:
“Hi friends and family!
Since I’m hosting the shower at my home, I’m accepting donations for the buffet table. Currently, I’m looking for the following: brownies, cupcakes, or any other yummy dessert. Casseroles or salads: whatever you make the best. Rolls and bread.”
Also please bring a printed recipe of one (or more!) of your favorite recipes.
We will be having a wishing well for Carol; please bring a kitchen gadget as an extra little gift to put in the wishing well. (Notice how she said “extra” – making sure no one would think a kitchen gadget would qualify as THE real present.)
Best part of all, still in the note from Faith, the mother of the bride:
As you know, Carol was married before and has all her basic linens, towels, sheets, and other typical shower presents. Therefore she has compiled the following list of suggestions for attendees.
Gift certificates to restaurants
Gift certificates to:
Victoria Secret (call me for sizes!)
Home Depot
Borders
Nieman Marcus
Circuit City Electronics
And don’t forget, cash is always welcome! "
I was a bit surprised she didn’t say that she took Visa, Mastercard and American Express.
Obviously I was busy the day of that shower. If I’m going to bring the food, a gift, an extra gift, and write out a recipe, I’d rather stay home.
(No thank you)
The stories you are about to read are true. The names have been changed to protect the greedy.
My phobia for going to the mailbox is relatively new. I didn’t always feel this way. I live within my means, so it isn’t bills I fear.
It’s those envelopes; the ones with the real full-strength stamps on them. Hand addressed.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up just thinking about them.
The big fat ones are the worst but usually you get a small one first to warn you. The small ones are bad also. When one trip to the mailbox yields three of these I want to scream. When a weeks worth of mail yields 4 or 5 of them I want to join a witness protection program.
Ah yes. Let the invitations begin!
Baby shower, bridal shower (which let’s you know one of those big fat wedding invitations will soon follow) graduation parties, christenings, birthday parties, and on and on. A quick estimate of minimum gift expenditure per invitation, and I’d be out a grand this week if I attended all the weddings, parties, showers, etc. that I’m invited to.
It’s one thing if you get an invitation from someone who’s near by – but how about if you live thousands of miles away and still get: Joshua is graduating high school! Please help Joshua celebrate his graduation by attending a picnic at our home…
Sorry, yes, 4 years ago you lived next door and three times we talked over the fence, but no I’m not traveling from Connecticut to California to attend a picnic at your home. (Besides, Joshua was a nasty little prick who teased my dogs, toilet-papered my yard and urinated in my bird bath for fun. He’s not getting a cent from me for any reason.)
Or the most recent big fat wedding envelope I received.
Alison and Wesley Morgan and Mame and Henry Farquist request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their children Carrie Laura Morgan and Tyler Franco Farquist…blah blah blah.
Not a single name looks familiar. I’ve never heard of these people, so I wait till husband comes home and show him the invitation. He is rubbing his chin and his brow is furrowed. He’s not sure, but maybe its the new guy who works in accounting – he might be Tyler Franco Farquist…husband thinks he heard someone call him Ty or maybe not…maybe it was Sy – not sure, but he’d check on it.
Really, you just start working for a company and you sweep all departments with a mass mailing of wedding invitations? By the way, six “suggestion” cards fall out of the envelope about where Carrie and Tyler have a wedding registry.
A quick look on the internet shows me that Carrie or Tyler or both, have expensive tastes. They don’t want a damn thing under $100 – one item on the list was $99.99 and that was for one espresso cup rimmed in gold…yeah sure, I’ll put off getting my washing machine fixed so I can send you a teeny tiny cup…not on your life baby.
Or my all time favorite from a super tight-wad ex neighbor who was giving her daughter a wedding shower. (No stamp on the reply envelope, by the way.)
Wedding Shower for Carol Lawson
given by Faith Lawson (mother)
After the who, came the what, where and why.
But then came the special requests:
A note from Faith:
“Hi friends and family!
Since I’m hosting the shower at my home, I’m accepting donations for the buffet table. Currently, I’m looking for the following: brownies, cupcakes, or any other yummy dessert. Casseroles or salads: whatever you make the best. Rolls and bread.”
Also please bring a printed recipe of one (or more!) of your favorite recipes.
We will be having a wishing well for Carol; please bring a kitchen gadget as an extra little gift to put in the wishing well. (Notice how she said “extra” – making sure no one would think a kitchen gadget would qualify as THE real present.)
Best part of all, still in the note from Faith, the mother of the bride:
As you know, Carol was married before and has all her basic linens, towels, sheets, and other typical shower presents. Therefore she has compiled the following list of suggestions for attendees.
Gift certificates to restaurants
Gift certificates to:
Victoria Secret (call me for sizes!)
Home Depot
Borders
Nieman Marcus
Circuit City Electronics
And don’t forget, cash is always welcome! "
I was a bit surprised she didn’t say that she took Visa, Mastercard and American Express.
Obviously I was busy the day of that shower. If I’m going to bring the food, a gift, an extra gift, and write out a recipe, I’d rather stay home.
posted by mary bishop | 11:21 AM
26 Comments:
Too friggin funny! I am now implementing another rule for myself before visting your site. Go pee.
I have a couple suggestions.
For Joshua: A bag of poop from your dogs. If your a pyro technics expert maybe you can get it to flame when he opens it.
For the young couple with the expensive tastes who do not know you: A copy of How to win friends and influence people and another book. How to see Europe on 5 dollars per day.
For Carol and her lovely mother Faith: A copy of LBs special brownie reciepe. A gift certificate to Lane Bryant shipped UPS C.O.D.
Jeff...I love your responses...wish you'd been on the same invitee list I was on...
Yup, we all have to pee before blogging...new rule!
hey, I was just browsing and your site caught my eye. How funny!!! I was practically howling with laughter. ;-) Will be one of my favourite blogging pages! Have a look at my blog sometime, when you have time, will ya? It's new: http://themallstreetjournal.blogspot.com
Mary, pleae tell me that the shower invite was just a figment of your overactive imagaination. Please.
Jeff,
and another new rule to implement for myself. no munching while reading jeffs comments. milk shooting out of the nose is one thing.. but strawberries? ouch.
This is horrifying. No one reads Emily Post or Letitia Baldridge or even Miss Manners anymore. I'm not joking, I love those books. I went to a HUGE bridal shower where someone passed around the "Thank You" notes, blank, in their envelopes, and asked that we each self-address our own Thank You note, since there were so many of us. Well, not to be out-ruded, my neighbor at the table and I went one step further. We figured if the bride didn't even have time to address the envelope, she sure as hell didn't have time to write us a note. So we wrote our own Thank You notes, lavishly praising the "extravagant" gifts we had given, and also insulting one another's gifts in the note. The bride had a sense of humor, thought they were a hoot, but the rude mother-in-law, who had orchestrated the circus, was not amused.
And may I use this forum to say, even though I think I might be the only one who feels this way, I think R.S.V.P. "regrets only" is rude and presumptuous. To me, it says, "I EXPECT you to be there; call me only if you can't." I can't get anyone to agree with me on this. Anyone? I still prefer the old-fashioned R.S.V.P., which means "take a moment to let me know either way."
Whew! Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I have a stack of those bastards to open here, too. Distant cousins graduating, mostly, I suspect.
susie,
I recently did a baby shower for my best freind. Out of the 35 people that were invited, I only had THREE people RSVP. Guess how many came? about 25. Guess who freaked out a little?
I so feel your pain. I have 8 siblings, 19 nieces/nephews, 40 some odd first cousins as well as 18 aunts and uncles plus spouses. I do not like the registry policy for baby showers. For "our" babay shower we asked that If people were going to bring gift that they should bring what they USED rasing their kids or what they thought would be a useful gift. And we also aksed that they told us WHY they thought it was a good gift. Sounds weird but as a first time parent I had no idea that a 'sleep sack is the greateast gift ever.
That was great Mary, I must say that it is a social menace.
I have to agree with Susie about the RSVP's, you need to tell people either way. It's only polite to give the host a heads up.
And do young brides NOT write thank you notes anymore?
MB-I too have a fear of the mail, and only recently but not of invites-it's pyramid schemes. I think I'm on some sucker list just because I have started a design business. It's terrible. I have sent so many of these printouts to the fraud unit in Chicago that I know the address by heart.
Unfortunately, I think Thank You cards are overrated. Perhaps I'm just from that younger, ungrateful, generation.
Miss Kate sent someone a thank you card for a gift once, and she got in return a thank you card for the nice thank you card.
Maddness.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
William - Um. What's a sleep sack?
Marybishop- Wow. You must be on a seriously rude mailing list. That last one just killed me though...
Isn't a wedding shower for someone who already has everything she needs a tad greedy? I mean, why go at all, if they only want your money/goodies? How about mailing a Dress Barn giftcard, then you won't have take part in strange, greedy bastardizations of the 'Clothespin Game' and 'TP Extravaganza'.
cherrio - welcome to my blog! I certainly will check you out..I'm running late right now but I should be back later and I'll scoot off to your place - love the title!
ritapita, I could tell you many stories about this tightwad..she's unbelievable...a thief in a housedress.
Susie, Ritapita, ANY RSVP is amazing today as is any thank you note.
I didn't go to a wedding about 6 months ago, but sent $200 because the brother of the groom is very close to me, I never ever got a single response from bride or groom, but they sure cashed the check quick enough.
William, if I were you I'd get a P.O. Box and then throw away the key!
All showers have turned into weddings and weddings have turned into inaugural balls!
Jac - you nailed it, social menace indeed!
paintergirl, so far so good on the mail for pyramid schemes though I did get a prayer mat (piece of paper) and a request for $100 or bad things would happen to me and my family...nice - could have turned it over to the post office I think since it carried a vague threat.
I do get unsolicited faxes that uses up my paper and ink even though I'm on the world's NO CALL LIST.
sylow, I'm happy with a thank you in person, but if I send you $200 in the mail, I want you to acknowledge me in some way...an email, phone call an eye twitch?
Miss Kate must be one hell of a thank you card writer...now that is foolish...thank you very much.
haha - yeah 2nd wedding showers like second baby showers are over the top unless there's years in between and you feel like it.
I am on a "sucker" list I think...but I wasn't sucker enough to give to the "bring your own everything plus money" wedding shower...
"an eye twitch" Crackin' me up, MB. Oh, here's an eye twitch for that one ;)
Nice twitch Susie! Gee that doesn't look so good in print...
BK - you beautiful man you (love that picture..glad my choice won!)
Yup, you guys have it made - while I'm drinking pink lemonade and eating finger sandwiches you get to have beer and pizza - never mind the entertainment....
I've always wished and known I'd enjoy more, the bachelor party than the shower...I'd golf or play poker rather than parlor games with a gaggle of giggling gals.
Even worse are the joint bridal shower/bachelorette parties. when you have to get presents for both for the SAME FREAKING DAY. How much celebration of a single person's single event can you take? As you can tell, I, too have suffered more than my fair share of mailbox infestation.
I honestly don't get people inviting colleagues (or other people, for that matter) to their *children's* weddings, especially if said colleague has never even met said child. It reeks of a) scamming for gifts and/or b)daddy's paying for the wedding and wants to show off to friends at work.
Susie, I can top your story about writing your own thank you notes as a joke with another, albeit second-hand. I went to a baby shower where we were also asked to address our own envelopes. I thought it was a tiny bit tacky, but told myself, hey, it's not the actual note, and I can remember how brain dead I was after my first was born, so it will help her out a bit. Whatever. Then someone sitting next to me offers that she once went to a shower where they actually were asked to WRITE THEIR OWN THANK YOU NOTES. And she thought it was fun, because she got to gush over the present she bought her "friend". Gah! Unbelievable. I kept my shock to myself.
Heh, I know this has completely gotten out of hand. My poor husband had no prior understanding of this, and once when we were attending a wedding, I went to get a gift and he said, "Wait, didn't you already give them something at the shower?" I explained to him you get TWO presents...he was freaking out. I think probably because we didn't get gifts for a bridal shower or our wedding...we did have a BABY shower though *wink*
I cannot believe how rude it was for that woman to write such a list! Appalling!!!
I did refuse to participate in a girl's shower after she had already had TWO showers AND had already been married and living on her own for 10 years. THEN they were only married for 8 months!
I say we have the showers at the 10 year anniversary, so we know at least there was an investment!
When my honey and I get married, we are so not going the shower route. The baby shower that was thrown for me was awful and embaressing. I would rather give birth then do that again.
Plum,
It may have a different name but what we call a sleep sack is basically a sleeping bag for infants instead of pajamas. 1 zipper, no pant legs, sometimes they have sleeves for arms, sometime they do not. But it makes changing diapers in the middle of the night so easy.
echrai - I cheat on the Jack and Jill showers and just give one thing they both can use...otherwise I might as well just hand husband's paycheck over to the soon-to-be-married.
andrea - I underline everything you say...those kinds of inivitations are just begging for money...
vajana - my latest mantra is just because you invited me to something I don't owe the guest a penny if I don't attend. (I no longer care if this is good manners or bad manners since these invites are usually in poor taste themselves...) My family isn't as big as William's but its big enough to keep me from having any discretionary income after I do my yearly donations to my relatives.
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