Get a Horse

As of October 1, 2005, you won’t be able to drive a car and talk on a hand-held cell phone in Connecticut.

Our legislators have been very busy this session thinking up new laws; ones that will be harder and harder to enforce-- and ones that are becoming more and more ludicrous.

No matter what they do, they will never be able to pass enough laws to create a state full of good drivers. But dammit, they're going to try.

A responsible person can talk on a cell phone and drive, just like an irresponsible person can cause a five car accident while having two hands on the wheel (at “ten” and “two”) and wearing their Good Driver’s Medal on their lapel.

Good judgment cannot be legislated.

But since they are trying to do this they will have to pass a few more laws about what drivers can and cannot do.

1) No coffee cups, soda cans, or burritos can be held by hand while the car is moving.

2) No smoking cigarettes, and no putting on make up.

3) No turning around, even for a second, to see why your infant is choking in the car seat, that by law, has to face the back of the vehicle, leaving the driving-mother with no view of her child.

4) No holding a Mapquest printout as you drive to a location you’ve never been before.

5) No glancing over at your sweetheart while driving, even if your favorite song is playing on the radio. In fact, no radio. Some songs can cause you to lose your concentration.

6) No heating systems or cooling systems in cars, as occasionally you might glance at the levers to adjust them.

7) No fuel gauges, speedometers or odometers in cars as they too become a distraction if you check to see if you need gas, or how fast you're going, or how many miles you’ve driven.

8) No combing hair, smoothing an eyebrow with your pinky finger, or checking your teeth while driving.

9) No fuzzy dice, baby shoes, Mardis Gras beads or graduation tassles hanging from your rear view mirror.

10) No nose-picking, now I’m not saying that only men do this…nope won’t hear me say that.

(Personally, I’ve never known a woman to believe she was invisible once inside a car, but I have known men that pull right up next to me, insert finger and go at it as if no one could see.)

11) No pets in the car. Especially no big fat Golden Retrievers who like to hang their heads out of the window and slobber down the side of the car. (Distracting for the driver and distracting for other drivers.)

No toy poodles, ferrets or parakeets perched on the drivers lap, shoulder or the wheel itself. No cats, anoles, turtles, hamsters, or gerbils, actually, even though it doesn’t fit in the pet category, NO CHILDREN allowed in cars at any time.

Children are a major cause of accidents; they cry, laugh loud, fight with siblings, throw-up and kick the seat – all reasons for taking the driver’s attention away from the road.

12) No ball-adjusting or panty-hose adjusting while driving. No sneezing, blinking, chewing, coughing or laughing while driving.

13) And if they really want to keep the streets safe, go for broke and pass the law of laws that will keep Connecticut roadways the safest in the nation: no driving period.