A open letter to my dentist or why he probably won’t be seeing any of my money again.
1) I will not have my “pockets” probed one more time ever again. Each time you probe you make my “pockets” deeper and it’s not necessary. Leave my pockets alone. I like them fine the way they are.
2) I will not pay you for dental hygiene instruction. I don’t want any instruction or need any instruction on brushing my teeth. I refuse to gaze upon your plaster of Paris model of a tooth-filled mouth with an articulated jaw. You obviously love playing with your mock mouth but please do it on your own time.
3) Until you get rid of the hag with the sharp scraper tools and the chip on her shoulder, I won’t have my teeth cleaned either. She’s got poor eyesight and shaky hands which results in a bunch of injuries to my gums which don’t need polishing or scraping thank you very much, but would prefer not to be lacerated and hemorrhaging blood all over the place.
4) Don’t look in my mouth and say Hmmmm, shake your head, walk away to the window to collect your thoughts and then tell me I need a dozen root canals and 44 crowns. I don’t even have 44 teeth. Yes you want a Jag but no I'm not paying for it.
5) Stop hyper-ventilating about my TMJ. Nothing hurts, okay? So you hear a click and I hear a click and maybe people in the waiting room hear a click, but the truth is nothing hurts so it must be functional. Which leads to number 6.
6) Stop referring me to every form of dentist known to mankind. What, do you get some kind of a cut? A referral fee?
7) Stop with the euphemisms. It isn’t a little pinch, it’s a huge needle going into my gum. You aren’t polishing my tooth, you are taking a commercial sized sander to the tooth. It doesn’t “sting” a little, it hurts like a sonofabitch!
8) Pretend I have NO insurance. It seems if you say you have insurance, that makes every tooth in your mouth in severe need of drastic, costly and bizarre treatments. Drill and fill and that’s it.
9) Don’t be so stinking stingy about pain pills. Hand out a few when you know you’re doing something inside my mouth that will make it ache for hours.
10) Stop telling me that every single filling, root canal and crown I’ve ever had done is no longer viable and must be removed. I like Mercury. I like decay if it is under a cap and doesn’t hurt.
11) Use some damn breath mints!
1) I will not have my “pockets” probed one more time ever again. Each time you probe you make my “pockets” deeper and it’s not necessary. Leave my pockets alone. I like them fine the way they are.
2) I will not pay you for dental hygiene instruction. I don’t want any instruction or need any instruction on brushing my teeth. I refuse to gaze upon your plaster of Paris model of a tooth-filled mouth with an articulated jaw. You obviously love playing with your mock mouth but please do it on your own time.
3) Until you get rid of the hag with the sharp scraper tools and the chip on her shoulder, I won’t have my teeth cleaned either. She’s got poor eyesight and shaky hands which results in a bunch of injuries to my gums which don’t need polishing or scraping thank you very much, but would prefer not to be lacerated and hemorrhaging blood all over the place.
4) Don’t look in my mouth and say Hmmmm, shake your head, walk away to the window to collect your thoughts and then tell me I need a dozen root canals and 44 crowns. I don’t even have 44 teeth. Yes you want a Jag but no I'm not paying for it.
5) Stop hyper-ventilating about my TMJ. Nothing hurts, okay? So you hear a click and I hear a click and maybe people in the waiting room hear a click, but the truth is nothing hurts so it must be functional. Which leads to number 6.
6) Stop referring me to every form of dentist known to mankind. What, do you get some kind of a cut? A referral fee?
7) Stop with the euphemisms. It isn’t a little pinch, it’s a huge needle going into my gum. You aren’t polishing my tooth, you are taking a commercial sized sander to the tooth. It doesn’t “sting” a little, it hurts like a sonofabitch!
8) Pretend I have NO insurance. It seems if you say you have insurance, that makes every tooth in your mouth in severe need of drastic, costly and bizarre treatments. Drill and fill and that’s it.
9) Don’t be so stinking stingy about pain pills. Hand out a few when you know you’re doing something inside my mouth that will make it ache for hours.
10) Stop telling me that every single filling, root canal and crown I’ve ever had done is no longer viable and must be removed. I like Mercury. I like decay if it is under a cap and doesn’t hurt.
11) Use some damn breath mints!
posted by mary bishop | 10:44 AM
26 Comments:
I hate my dentist too.
However, I had a dentist a few years ago (before Sparklepuss and I moved to the E.C.) who told me that I have sexy lats. I didn't mind so much going to the dentist then.
May I copy this and present it to every potential dentist in advance? I have hated absolutely every single stinking last dentist I've ever had. I hate going to the dentist and have avoided them yet again for another two years. My teeth don't hurt yet, so I'm not going until I either crack an old filling or have some pain. This sounds drastic, but I have more scars in my mouth than wrinkes on my body. Not going to add in any more.
Ehh. Sorry to be the voice of reason and rain on the pissy parade (is that even possible?) but if anyone ever tells you how much they miss the good old days, all you need is one word: dentistry.
I've had my pockets probed (and picked) by more than my share of dentists, and - like a doctor - it's important to find one you like and trust. But once you do, treasure that dentist the way you do that hairdresser who always seems to know exactly what you want and need.
This was all tongue in (sore) cheek, I'm sure. And I've always found a trip to the dentist one of life's least pleasant necessities.
But that's what it is, kids. And until you've had an abscess under a back tooth (you know those deep pockets? That's what happens, kids) that makes you want to perform self-surgery with a .357 Magnum ... then gone in, felt "some slight discomfort" (read: "HOLYMOTHEROFGOD-WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOINGTOME???"), then heard your dentist say "Ah ... there we go ..." and felt the pain literally melt away, to the point where you want to nominate your dentist for the Nobel Peace Prize or offer a lifetime coupon for oral sex on demand ... well, until then, you can go on longing for the good old days.
Me? I brush, I floss, I go in for regular scrapings and checkups, I do what I can to take care of my teeth. I've found a dentist I adore, because she's gentle and kind and has lovely hoots that press against me when she's doing a filling.
And I try to remember that a dentist is like a firefighter or a cop. You never WANT to see them in a professional capacity. But if there ever comes a time you need them, nothing less will do.
nilbo is right. Lovely hoots are a must.
What I want to know is when did they make the switch from insisting I brush twice a day, to ridiculing me for not flossing after every meal. I've got dexterity issues, lady. Cut me some slack already.
Are you anti-dentite MB? I have a love/hate thing with the dentists. Ever since I was a girl, I'm talking about 8 and had to have a root canal. I've had issues. I've also HAD to have some fillings replaced, but I have to admit, the white fillings look lovely.
Now-my poor son-just getting the rest of his baby teeth in-I just discovered nest to his second molar on top, he's growing another molar! Can you believe that? Why and how, and how much is this going to cost us down the road?!
and miss kate-sexy lats-very nice.
Wouldn't it be nice if all dentists were oh so sexy themselves.
Then we all would love to go get a cleaning.This is why dentists have the highest suicide rate of any other profession.
Yes, breath mints. Why is that so lost on the professional who'se amply paid to be mere inches from your olfactory nerve endings.
Also have crazy dentist stories but wont go into long winded discourse cause i luff you. But, they involve revolked licenses, the white v. silver filling debate and double billing insurance fraud....
So, I suggest you do what I do. Don't go unless absolutely dying...and only then.
that's my wife ... sexiest lats on the planet.
You should see her on Mardi Gras. "SHOW US YOUR LATS!"
Miss Kate...maybe that's my problem..my dentist finds nothing nice about me, my teeth or my lats. If my dentist told me I had sexy lats I'd probably be able to tolerate the hag with her sharp tools who has to see you first before sending you on to the doc.
Summer...I once told my dentist I could not follow his multi-thousand dollar plan for perfect teeth, because unfortunately I had many other body parts other than teeth that would need some maintenance from time to time.
E - I've heard there are now walk-in dental clinics...that's where I'm going next. I am so tired of having no pain, going to the dentist and getting scared out of my mind and paying him royally for this privilege, and then leaving with pain...
Nilbo..I once had a dentist I trusted, but the bastard up and died on me! He was great...low key, high on drugs, and he never hurt me or caused me undue emotional stress.
Sylow...ever go out to a restaurant and see a militant flosser pull out her floss and do her thing while you are still finishing your meal? Where is the world headed when tooth cleaning becomes a public display of I'm better than you are...?
pg - we never get to the white fillings with my dentist..I'm always getting a slip to go elsewhere for some major problem that I don't feel I have.
Sure wish he'd replace a few of the old wine-stained front fillings with new sparkley ones...but no...gotta pay through the nose for lots of back teeth stuff while he leaves the fronts alone...
LB - I am doing what you do...the dentist thing came up because I got a letter from my once-dentist wondering where I was and why I didn't come back...so I wrote the post which I'd love to send to him..anonymously of course.
sparklestone, my guess is Miss Kate has more than sexy lats...good thing you guys moved because he'd be on to some other part of Miss Kate by now...sexy phalanges or sexy frenum....
Dentists are weird. As PG says, they are on the top of the suicide list and I always feel they aren't comfortable being called Doctor because they know that we know that they aren't one.
I hate dentists. Hate them. With a vengeance, one of the view things (people?) in life I really would rather die than come near again.
And quit singing Neil Diamond's 'Love on the Rocks' all out-of-tune! Oh wait. That's my dentist.
Irina...your comment indicates you've been tortured by a dentist at least once.
(I missed you while you were cavorting around Canada on vacation!)
My Dearest Plum...now *that* is pushing the torments of dentristy beyond even an Abu Ghraib type of torture! 'Love on the Rocks' - oh lordy that has to be hard to bear, but off key? Torture!
For some odd reason, I've never had a fear of dentists. The only time I've been afraid of going was when I had to get teeth pulled, and that was because of the shot and the sound of the tooth coming out. I don't get numbed for fillings because the shot hurts worse than the drill.
Now, I do agree with the whole "how many dental specialists can I refer you to?" thing. It's not my dentist who does this, but the hygienist (the dentist comes in for all of 60 seconds, usually, if all is well). The hygienist also likes to push products on us...this special pick, that special sonic toothbrush. I put up with it because she's VERY nice otherwise, never hassles me about not flossing, and always tells me how great she thinks Leo is (that's another long story, probably a blog topic...)
I dislike going to the dentist. But, its an evil necessity. Fortunately, my youngest LOVES going. He thinks its too cool.
Where did he come from?
Wouldn't that be something if your dentist read this?
Doctors do pick your pockets. I just had a physical, a TB shot and meningococcal shot, and it costs 312 dollars.
In regards to Paintergirl and anti-dentistism,
"Next, you're going to be saying that dentists should have their own schools."
My dentist has been telling me, since I was sixteen, that it is direly important that I get my wisdom teeth removed. My wisdom teeth do not hurt, and they aren't ruining anything, so why should I pay hundreds of dollars out-of-pocket to have them removed?
My older daughter accepts going to the dentist, but the younger one loathes it. Probably because she saw her chart once, and the dentist had written on the cover in big red block letters "GAGGER".
She was mortally offended. And sadly, not smart enough to keep her mouth shut when she got back to school. She soon found out what 14 year old boys can do with a label like "GAGGER".
She (wrongly, says I) blames her dentist, and by extension the entire profession, for the fact that she got teased unmercifully from grades 8 - 12.
Andrea - my dentist also has a shill who pushes whitening treatments and veneers..lots of cosmetic dentistry procedures I'd rather not have.
Lawbrat - a kid who likes the dentist must be blessed with cavity free-teeth! Wish I felt the same way.
Samantha - I'd LOVE it if my dentist found this blog...costly exam for you!
bking - at least nothing hurts in your mouth...sometimes I think dentists get in there with their tools and start problems.
Miwhitt - welcome! One cavity doesn't sound too bad, of course, it's your tooth that will be drilled and not mine!
CB - a friend finally got hers out even though nothing hurt - after surgery her jaw ached for 2 weeks...
Nilbo - oh poor girl - nothing worse than being labeled a gagger - When they tip the dental chairs so far back you feel like you're going to swallow the dentist, drill and all, I think the chair is on too much of an incline. But what gets me gagging is the bill.
Doc - can't you prescribe yourself a nice little pharmaceutical concoction to ease your emotional and physical pain prior to getting in the torture seat?
Well, the damn pocket probing and subsequent surgery saved MY teeth. No, it wasn't fun. Amd it WAS expensive. I also got a couple of implants -- also expensive. Worth every penny, too, IMO.
My dentist had a good looking hygenist who tended to rub her breasts all over me as she worked, and that certainly helped the experience.
I haven't attacked dentists in my blog yet. Come visist.
http://waterandwaves.blogspot.com
Marybishop...First time was when Hunter was 2. The dentist wasent even going to see him. Said he was too young. He watched Brennen and I get cleanings, then jumped in the chair, opened him mouth and wanted 'his turn'. Each time, hes been like that.
We switched dentists when we moved to lansing. He *said* Hunter had 5 cavities. We got them filled, and he still loves the dentist. What I thought odd, was that from 2-5 he had NOT 1 CAVITY! Started talking to others, found out this dentist has a reputation for frauding ins. companies by doing work that is not needed. I didnt find this out until the statute of limitations on med mal had run. Many other people had taken their kids, had cavities, filled, ect. My sisters friend took her son when he was older, he never had a cavity. He had many. She took him to another dentist....guess what? NO CAVITIES. Bastard dentist.
If anyone reads this and is in Lansing Michigan, beware of a one *Dr* Flint, at 806 N. Washington.
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My mom went there for something serious, yet something most dentists will do. He wouldnt do it. I think he's a frickin quack and only knows how to do fillings that are not needed.
nynynyny - hi! I think I'll skip the pocket probing etc and let my teeth fall out one by one..then buy a mouthful of implants..I've heard they are more long lasting than in the past when they had a high rate of failure.
lawbrat - oh damn him - bad enough if something like that happens to you as an adult, but when so called medical professionals screw around with kids just to make money - I could scream.
Sorry for your boys they had to be used by him for profit....
Mb You are starting to run out of Hygene hacks to go to. First the manicure chick and now the dentist. Sounds like they all need a refresher course in customer service. It would have been too cool if you would have offered up a breath mint.
Jeff..I think the manicurist probably inflicted more bodily injury than even the dentist could do...but it was much cheaper....
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