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Tuesday, November 22, 2005


The Thanksgiving She Ended up Scraping Mashed Potatoes off the Wall



Although our Thanksgivings certainly don’t resemble that iconic illustration done by Norman Rockwell, we manage to get through the day happily with few if any problems.

We’re lucky.

I have a friend who detests Thanksgiving. She hates it so much that she cooks the whole dinner on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, as if cooking the day before will ward off the evil spirits that caused, in her words: “The Thanksgiving I ended up scraping mashed potatoes off the wall.”

I don’t know all the facts about this Thanksgiving from hell; she never really got into detail about what happened.

But, I do know that besides serving the typical roast turkey, cranberry sauce, sweet potato type of Thanksgiving dinner, she also served a drunk uncle, a weeping mother, a foot-stomping aunt and a fit-throwing teenager.

It had to be one heck of a traumatic event, but it isn’t my story to tell, and I can only list some of the words she used (in no particular order) in describing to me the vile events of the miserable meal, the horrid holiday and the repulsive relatives that made it that way.

Bong
Bloodshot-eyes
Bourbon
Dull knife
Inheritance
“Chunked” turkey
Lumpy potatoes
Inheritance
Tattoo debut
Mother’s china
Inheritance
Stolen crystal
Ex-wife
Aunt Jean’s B.O.
Inheritance
Wine-stain on Grammy’s Irish-lace tablecloth
Removal of false teeth at the dinner table
Sneaking shots in the kitchen
Inheritance


My guess is the fight occurred over someone’s inheritance or lack of inheritance.

It must have been bad if it ended up becoming a food fight.

I know her dining room wallpaper had to be replaced because of wine stains and gravy splatter…I also was informed that mashed potatoes can harden onto wallpaper like cement.

I wish I could tell you more about this Thanksgiving horror story, but as I said before this isn’t my story to tell.

So, this year, like many others, when I sit down at our Thanksgiving table with my family, I will be very thankful of that fact.

11 Comments:

Blogger kristen said...

How can anything be THAT bad when there's a bong and you get blood-shot eyes??? (=

8:31 AM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

AMK - If it had been my friend with the bong and blood-shot eyes, I think things would have gone a lot smoother! Unfortunately it was her brother...

12:11 PM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

i'm in cahoots here. Bong, bloodshot eyes and a lot of great food. That sounds like heaven.

12:37 PM  
Blogger lawbrat said...

A very good reason to stay away from extended family on Thanksgiving.

That is all.

5:12 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I'm suddenly thinking my Thanksgiving should forever forward include blood shot eyes, bongs, and inheritence but no mashed potatos.

11:24 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

You know, gimme a bong - and if I had bloodshot eyes, then you could feed me processed turkey slices, stale potato chips and cranberry juice and I'd be happy.

Why did I not think of that when we had Thanksgiving last month?

Damn....

1:30 AM  
Blogger racingpartsales.com said...

When I took my exwife to Thanksgiving at the inlaws for the first time, my cousin came in drunk at 1 in the afternoon. My other cousin, his sister proceeded to whip his ass at the dinner table for all to see. (It was like a remake of fists of fury.) Pretty good ice breaker for my ex. A co worker went to dinner one time with his extended family he had not seen in years. They set a place at the table for their 120lb German Shephard. The co worker left after they said grace. I love the holiday season!!!

12:30 PM  
Blogger dashababy said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you and all the commenters. You all are great, you make me laugh.

Jeff, we used to have similar drunken brawls but since they all quit drinking, it's a lot quieter. Although we never set a place for the dog, that's pretty funny.

8:09 PM  
Blogger Echrai said...

Most of the time I'm bummed out that I have such a small family. It's times like this when I'm glad that there's only ONE person who throws fits, we know who she is and she's a doubtful appearance ANYHOW at our holiday. It's anticipated, expected, and endured, if not welcome. One. I can't imagine having cousins and aunts and uncles to make it worse. Oy. Much love and much alcohol and cranberries this turkey-day to you!

10:58 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Thanks everyone for your holiday wishes. Great to see you back Kit!

10:57 AM  
Blogger Ern said...

*belated commenting*

My mom's friend one year was carrying the turkey from stove to table and the whole thing (it was a big'un!) slid off the tray and onto the kitchen floor. I was maybe 6 at the time, but I can still see the whole thing in slow, slow motion. She probably could have used a good bong hit after that!

1:26 AM  

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