Why not to have internet friends visit your home.

A couple of bloggers have hinted or outright suggested that we should get together and meet in person.

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings but twice I had guests at my home that I knew only from the internet. I’d talked to these two women via the computer for a couple of years prior to the invitation to stay at my house while visiting my area of Connecticut.

Beware of such invitations!

Internut number one: She came when she said she would, she looked like her picture, we hugged a big hello in the driveway and from that moment on she started talking and never stopped. She even talked while she was eating. When she had to take a whiz, she kept talking through the door. She talked while I was talking. She talked while I was on the phone. Nothing and no one could keep her from talking.

I thought she was this chatty because of excitement or even a bit of nervousness, as she was sleeping at my house in my guestroom and knew me only from the internet and emails.

In the past she’d discussed with me that she didn’t have many female friends.

After a few minutes of meeting her I knew why. This woman was a motor mouth extraordinaire. She also had one of those voices that could cut through steel...high pitched, whiny...sharp and probing. I believe I have residual brain damage from listening to her that weekend.

For weeks after her visit I could still hear her voice inside my head like a bad dream. During her visit I acquired an eye twitch which still plagues me to this day. Especially when I’m around someone with a voice that “carries” as they say.

Husband stayed for about the first hour of her visit and then said he had to go to a friend’s house to borrow a tool.

He didn’t come home till after dark. He called and said: sorry I can’t take her incessant, strident chattering. Why didn’t you tell me she was a non-stop talker?

How would I have known? I just thought she was a fast typist!

On the plus side, she did come bearing a case of beer, which as the night rolled on became more and more necessary for my sanity.

But did I learn my lesson? No. Had to do it a second time before I evoked the no internet buddy houseguests rule.

Internut number two: She came bearing gifts, one bottle of water and about 7 cherry tomatoes. The water bottle had been opened as apparently the basket of cherry tomatoes had also been dipped into on her trip to my house.

Still she presented these items to me saying: I brought you a little something. Here.

Except it sounded like this: Ah brist yo da didee sort tin. Schneer

People don’t have accents on email but they can have them in person and I could not understand 50 percent of what she was saying.

She also smelled like a wild boar, not that I’ve ever smelled a wild boar, but that’s what came to mind.

She was fresh from an Indian Sweat Lodge and ripe, as my mother would say.

All I wanted to do was strip her down, get her into the shower and clean her up before I had to go near her.

Husband had to leave unexpectedly to borrow a tool from a friend.

I was stuck with this woman who no more resembled her email persona than the typical undercover cop with the email address of Teen2Cute&2Sexy4You.

I believe she had a speech impediment and a German accent and maybe had had a few magic mushrooms before her visit.

Whatever it was, I nodded numerous times to statements like:

Dine fig lib line eh?

Nod

Stig lom lorp schnut?

Nod

Scary -- as I had no idea what I was agreeing to.

After handing her numerous fluffy towels and a complete grocery aisle's worth of body cleaning items I hoped we could at least eliminate the odor problem.

No…she wasn’t going to shower, she needed to stay cleansed in her own sweat so she could meditate later on.

Great.

I made up an excuse about feeling under the weather so I could get away from her and her distinct aroma and woke up around midnight when husband returned home minus any tools but wearing a Christmas tree car deodorizer around his neck as a joke.

Ha ha.

Joke was on me and my then open door policy for internet visitors.

Anyone else meet or host a solely internet friend to find a smelly or motor mouth stranger in their house??