THE BISHOP BULLETIN

Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat Ivan

Scanning the paper this morning I was surprised to find out that sheep can fall in love. They can fall in love with another sheep and they can fall in love with a human. This is bad news for sheep. They’re already the “butt” of many jokes about man and sheep couplings….now this news, I fear, will increase the activity and perhaps a new group will form: North American Man/Lamb Love Association – NAMLLA.

I know many men who are lamb lovers. But now that we know that lamb loves back I can’t help but wonder what this will do to many Easter tables this weekend.

As far as I know, turkeys don’t love humans although the reverse is true…so maybe the turkey will become the choice for holiday dinners. Perhaps someone will bring a lamb to an Easter dinner and introduce said lamb to mom and dad. Or perhaps a lamb will bring a man to its Sunday supper and introduce him to ewe and ram.

At any rate I fear no good can come out of this announcement.

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Chastity Begins at Home but Ends at the Doctor's Office

In the paper, right under this piece of juicy, rare, with a side of mint jelly news, is the statement that teens who take Chastity Pledges engage in more risky sexual behavior like oral and anal sex than those teens that don't take the pledge – risky because teens think they aren’t technically having sex, so they don’t use condoms.

I say immediately after taking a Chastity Pledge, one should be fitted with a chastity belt – which you can buy online for a mere $500. Then off to the orthodontist where anti-oral-sex braces are installed and last stop the proctologist where an angry arthropod is placed in the anus to keep out any foreign or domestic items.

Many teens already act like they have a bug up their ass anyhow so why not make it true?

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A Nose For News

Last but not least, Michael Jackson is very upset with the lack of media coverage he’s getting due to the Terri Schiavo circus. He now wishes he’d saved the pajama court attire for a later date.

Back in 1993, when Jackson was being sued by another teenage boy on molestation charges, he also had to share the news with Schiavo, when her parents, Robert and Mary Schindler, tried to have Terri’s husband, Michael, removed as Schiavo's guardian. The case was later dismissed as was Jackson’s. Difference is the child in the 1993 Jackson case took the money and ran. Michael Schiavo didn’t.

Speaking of Jackson…is it me or is his nose growing? It looks larger to me – could this be the Pinocchio syndrome? Last year he had the profile of a Pug, but this year something in the middle of his face is sticking out just a wee bit. Is the addition of a nose on his face just a ploy to pull the blood-sucking media away from Schiavo?