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Monday, December 12, 2005

Mall Mauling and a Big Fat Ho

Saturday we decided to do a mall shopping trip. I usually avoid the malls like the plague. I love internet shopping and prefer to shop in jammies as I’ve stated on another post.

Husband needed to shop and likes to see what he’s buying so I went along for the trip. We separated so he could shop for me and we picked a place and time for us to reconnect.

I had hardly gone two feet when an elaborate, twin stroller rolled over my right foot. Ho ho ho!

I say: Ow. The harried mom looks over at me and shrugs.

Ho ho ho!

Yes, we were in the Disney Store where the aisles are narrow, little ones are running wild, and numerous strollers are rolling though these narrow aisles holding a variety of precious children…still – keep your damn strollers under control!

I exit Disney with a slight limp as I had chosen to wear very soft, lightweight shoes for my shopping trip, not the steel-toed boots I should have been wearing.

How about Macy’s? I say to myself. Macy’s has wide aisles and you can attempt to choose departments that might have less stroller traffic, like fine china for example.

I think I’m safe as I wander through the housewares department, examining articles for possible purchase (for me!) -- You see, I’ve done my Christmas shopping and this trip with husband usually ends up being a “buy for me” kind of trip. One, I am the only person I haven’t bought a Christmas gift for and Two, if I’m going to do some impulse buying, it might as well be for me.

I’m humming Silent Night to myself as I check out the wine glasses when “THWACK” a boxed wine rack (some assembly needed) falls out of the overstuffed arms of another harried woman and right onto the metatarsals of my left foot. This was one heavy box.

I say: Ow, mumbling "somanabitch" under my breath.

Harried woman says: There’s no help in this store and I’m trying to carry too much.

I think that was her apology for making me totally lame.

Ho ho ho!

I check my watch and I still have 45 minutes to waste until I meet up with husband, so I decide to go into Lord and Taylor.

Lord and Taylor is a pretty pricey store. They always seem to have a lot of sales people and the way the shoe section is organized, strollers don’t fit. So I decide to try on some shoes…sturdy shoes with metal frames if they sold them.

Both feet are now throbbing and I can’t help but wonder why my size 6 ½ feet can suddenly be such a huge target for abuse.

I try a few pairs on and notice a really nice looking shoe on the center display which is about 4 steps from the chair I am sitting in. I get up in my stocking feet, walk over to the display to look at the shoe when I am suddenly and without warning, impaled at that very spot by an overly made up, mini-skirted gal strutting her stuff in over-the-knee boots with a 4 ½ inch stiletto heel that is now grinding it’s way through the top of my foot.

“Ahhhhhhhhh” I scream and she doesn’t even flinch. “Get off my foot” I scream even louder.

I am in excruciating pain and as I think this --I congratulate myself for such an excellent word choice and for remaining calm while experiencing such physical agony -- until I realize she’s got something in her ear with a wire that leads to her pocket and she can’t hear me and she’ll never get off my foot until I beat her off me.

So I gently give her a push causing her to lift her stiletto long enough to salvage what was left of my twice assaulted right foot.

“ Hey, fuck you” she says.

“Whoa,” says the shoe salesman who magically appeared or was responding to my bellow. “Miss, you were standing on her foot and you have your music up so loud she couldn’t get your attention.”

The bitch snarls at me and looks down at my foot in disgust.

I quickly put my shoes back on and take leave of Lord and Taylor, but not before I turn in her direction, and say in a loud voice: Ho ho ho, HO!

She gets my point and even though I’m lame, maimed and slightly shamed, I get the hell out of the store before she can catch up to me.

14 Comments:

Blogger dashababy said...

I'm sorry for laughing right now but that was funny. Mary, you should not go shopping alone. You need a buddy. It's like a war zone out there. I took my mom shopping last week and I saw the terror in her face as she looked down this crowded aisle and I said "Cover me, I'm goin' in."
How did you not pull that hos' shoe off and beat her with it?

1:06 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

You know, the real question most of us are asking is as follows: was the girl in the mini-skirt hot?

'Cause you know, that might impact our level of sympathy.

*grin*

PS: I avoid the malls from Dec 1st until Jan 15th - unless it is a life or death situation... but even then...

1:10 PM  
Blogger kristen said...

I hate people.Everyone is so focused on THEMSELVES that they've lost common curtesy. Driving up your ass tailgating or my personal favorite, when I open a door for myself and someone else walks right thru it.

I'm glad you put that HO in her place.

1:13 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Dashababy...I'm laughing at your comment "Cover me, I'm going' in," - that's hilarious and just how I felt.

I think I get such abuse because I'm short and look like a pushover...

JDJ - well she was hot if you like women who look like they're roiling with STDs....

Acutally, she was a very pretty black woman with a "tude" so that made her less pretty.


AMK - husband and I always laugh when we go out to the malls at Christmas time...people are fighting over parking spaces, ripping toys out of other people's hands, letting the door to the store slam as you reach out for it.

A season of good will...but never at the mall.

1:37 PM  
Blogger RedPita said...

what is worse right now is walmart around this time of year. as much as we all scorn walmart, we always end up there. right now it is a madhouse... evan at 2 in the morning. I spent an hour in there the other day and it felt like five. all the pushing, shoving, cursing. and that was just me.

so sorry for your poor toes. steel toe boots would have been a help.

4:11 PM  
Blogger Along said...

Ooo poor you. I hate it when people step on my toes and don't realise it. It happened to my once on the lrt (train) and I was 6 months pregnant at the time. The fact that I was standing up when there were a lot of able bodied people selfish of their seats was enough to make me feel sad; to have some 200lbs women step on your toes and not feel bad enough to apologise later, really "made my day". I remember crying to hubby for hours after that incident.

My suggestion, next time take the time you have to go for a facial. Or a nice massage. Beats getting your feet rolled over by strollers and "hot" women in tube tops. :D

Happy Holidays!!

9:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's why I never go shopping without combat boots and a set of brass knuckles.

I went today at about five, and it was no more crowded than a normal weekend.

11:55 PM  
Blogger kristen said...

The mall very close to work, is open until 10pm. I'm done with work this evening about 8pm and I'll go do the last, last gift-buying that I have.

It's unfortunate that this time of year brings out everyone's worst side. I hope that Santa choses whose naughty or nice very close to the 25th because I'm sure there are deal-breakers in December.

7:40 AM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Rita! Hello sweet thing! Walmart is indeed where we all end up - who's got cheaper wrapping paper for example...though Target can be good if you can hold off till the last minute.

I think I'm buying a Taser just for xmas shopping.


Hi Along - thanks for the holiday wishes...you're on to something...a massage, manicure, would be much more fun than wandering around getting abused and buying crap I don't need.


Marie...maybe I should shop with a body guard? Glad you found a time to go that wasn't too crowded...makes shopping sooo much nicer.


AMK - Each year I think things get worse as people are more overworked, have less money and place huge expectations upon themselves and others. I think Martha Stewart has had a negative force on women who now feel unless their house, holiday food, etc is perfect...they have let their families down. I know Martha has lots of fans...so if I've offended a Martha fan..go ahead step on my foot!

9:08 AM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

The NERVE of that HO! I am a loud-music-toting, deaf gal, but i would have been MORTIFIED to have injured someone unknowingly. I would have been grovelling (sp?) for your forgiveness.

What an unfortunate shopping experience! I was expecting any minute for you to be waking up from a dream.

9:42 AM  
Blogger dashababy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:15 PM  
Blogger dashababy said...

Mary, I just got back from the mall and I thought of you whilst I was there. Although no members or digits were assaulted, I can't say the same for my nose. Thrice I had to control my gag reflex as I smelled some funky people walking by. Their stank was so rank, it gave me a friggin' headache!

6:17 PM  
Blogger dashababy said...

um, how do you remove comments once you made them?? Anybody??

6:20 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Wenig...it was like a dream actually - because I couldn't figure out why she couldn't tell she was standing on something other than the floor...good this is I'm done shopping!


Michelle, when I got home I made myself a nice drink..just like the one you're holding!

Dashababy - I always wonder what is worse, body funk or super cheap overly applied perfume on old women? I'll get rid of that duplicate post....I think you can too...do you see a trash can after the posting time? If so you click on it and it goes away...(I think...says the techno dunce!)

9:45 AM  

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