Mall Mauling and a Big Fat Ho

Saturday we decided to do a mall shopping trip. I usually avoid the malls like the plague. I love internet shopping and prefer to shop in jammies as I’ve stated on another post.

Husband needed to shop and likes to see what he’s buying so I went along for the trip. We separated so he could shop for me and we picked a place and time for us to reconnect.

I had hardly gone two feet when an elaborate, twin stroller rolled over my right foot. Ho ho ho!

I say: Ow. The harried mom looks over at me and shrugs.

Ho ho ho!

Yes, we were in the Disney Store where the aisles are narrow, little ones are running wild, and numerous strollers are rolling though these narrow aisles holding a variety of precious children…still – keep your damn strollers under control!

I exit Disney with a slight limp as I had chosen to wear very soft, lightweight shoes for my shopping trip, not the steel-toed boots I should have been wearing.

How about Macy’s? I say to myself. Macy’s has wide aisles and you can attempt to choose departments that might have less stroller traffic, like fine china for example.

I think I’m safe as I wander through the housewares department, examining articles for possible purchase (for me!) -- You see, I’ve done my Christmas shopping and this trip with husband usually ends up being a “buy for me” kind of trip. One, I am the only person I haven’t bought a Christmas gift for and Two, if I’m going to do some impulse buying, it might as well be for me.

I’m humming Silent Night to myself as I check out the wine glasses when “THWACK” a boxed wine rack (some assembly needed) falls out of the overstuffed arms of another harried woman and right onto the metatarsals of my left foot. This was one heavy box.

I say: Ow, mumbling "somanabitch" under my breath.

Harried woman says: There’s no help in this store and I’m trying to carry too much.

I think that was her apology for making me totally lame.

Ho ho ho!

I check my watch and I still have 45 minutes to waste until I meet up with husband, so I decide to go into Lord and Taylor.

Lord and Taylor is a pretty pricey store. They always seem to have a lot of sales people and the way the shoe section is organized, strollers don’t fit. So I decide to try on some shoes…sturdy shoes with metal frames if they sold them.

Both feet are now throbbing and I can’t help but wonder why my size 6 ½ feet can suddenly be such a huge target for abuse.

I try a few pairs on and notice a really nice looking shoe on the center display which is about 4 steps from the chair I am sitting in. I get up in my stocking feet, walk over to the display to look at the shoe when I am suddenly and without warning, impaled at that very spot by an overly made up, mini-skirted gal strutting her stuff in over-the-knee boots with a 4 ½ inch stiletto heel that is now grinding it’s way through the top of my foot.

“Ahhhhhhhhh” I scream and she doesn’t even flinch. “Get off my foot” I scream even louder.

I am in excruciating pain and as I think this --I congratulate myself for such an excellent word choice and for remaining calm while experiencing such physical agony -- until I realize she’s got something in her ear with a wire that leads to her pocket and she can’t hear me and she’ll never get off my foot until I beat her off me.

So I gently give her a push causing her to lift her stiletto long enough to salvage what was left of my twice assaulted right foot.

“ Hey, fuck you” she says.

“Whoa,” says the shoe salesman who magically appeared or was responding to my bellow. “Miss, you were standing on her foot and you have your music up so loud she couldn’t get your attention.”

The bitch snarls at me and looks down at my foot in disgust.

I quickly put my shoes back on and take leave of Lord and Taylor, but not before I turn in her direction, and say in a loud voice: Ho ho ho, HO!

She gets my point and even though I’m lame, maimed and slightly shamed, I get the hell out of the store before she can catch up to me.