Tonight I Sleep with Ivory

Leg Cramps anyone?

Today I read in the local paper that if you place a bar of Ivory soap under your bottom bed sheet, you won’t wake up in the night with leg cramps.

I read this in an “Ask the Doctor” column. He said he has no idea why it works, but it just works.

I’ve blamed leg cramps on too much to drink (alcohol) and not enough to drink (water).

I’ve blamed them on wearing heels for too long and wearing flats for too long.

I’ve blamed them on exercising and not exercising.

I’ve blamed them on too much calcium and not enough calcium.

Leg cramps hurt like a summanabitch.

They make me jump out of bed and hop around causing sleeping dogs and cat to jump up and bark or meow (as the case might be) and run wildly around the bedroom causing husband to wake up and hiss and growl, “What the hell’s the matter with you?”

Night-time drama and adrenaline rushes are just not something I’m into…so Ivory Soap is coming to bed with me tonight. I hope this trick works. I’d love to be 99.99 percent free of leg pains and I’d love to pull the plug on this nocturnal soap opera.

If a bar of Ivory soap kept kids from swearing in the 1950s, I hope it can keep leg cramps away in 2006.

In this case, hope definitely floats.