Home Decorating Channel Makes you Hate Deborah*
(*Name has been changed to protect the guilty)

Last night, I decided to switch screens, computer for TV, and happened upon the Home Decorating Channel. I don't watch it very often, but sometimes the gutting and redoing of homes is very uplifting. I also enjoy people house hunting -- in my next life I might want to be a Real Estate Agent, I really don't know why I enjoy these shows.

Anyhow, there was a show on where three decorators vied for the job of renovating a house. The house looked great to me just as it was. But no, it wasn't good enough for Deborah the wife of Dan who already had a curvature in his back where his spine should have been.

Deborah wore a pinch-mouthed frown all through the show, even after the magnificent redo of her already magnificent house. Her hair was sculpted in a hanging helmut-- I think in the 1950s, they called this a Page Boy. It was lacquered and could withstand a tsunami I'm sure.

Dan, had a worried look throughout the show and was constantly invoking his wife's name.

"Deborah doesn't like earth tones. Deborah wants a soaking tub not a spa. Deborah doesn't like antique hardware. Deborah wants a chaise in the bedroom.

When Dan wasn't describing his wife's wants, the designers were.

"Deborah has communicated to us that she doesn't enjoy yellows. (Who enjoys a color anyhow?) Deborah has asked us to find a blue that will compliment her grandmother's tea cup. Deborah insists upon a large foyer. Deborah wants a mud room with a boot bin and coat rack. Deborah wants a powder room and a full bath on the first floor. Deborah doesn't care for texture in fabric. Deborah wants plantation shutters in the family room.)

Dan and the decorators spent a lot of time telling the television audience just what Deborah wanted. But she also nasally voiced her opinions.

"I don't like dark woods. I only like stainless steel. I want a wine refrigerator and it must be only steps away from my dining room. I don't like white...only off white. I'm not going to go up a flight of stairs for the laundry..the laundry room must be on this level. I want a marble fireplace I hate brick, I hate slate."

Once she was on the hate roll, she spewed out about two dozen hates in less than 5 seconds.

At one point she was telling the decorator that she wanted light white cabinets in her kitchen.

He had so had it with her he actually said something like: That's what you have now and I thought you wanted only off-white?

The decorators were getting testy with Deborah and she was beginning to scowl at Dan in a way that said: You just wait till these people leave Dan, you are in for big trouble!

After the redo was complete, Dan stuttered away on how happy he and Deborah were with their renovation. Deborah never cracked a smile. She looked as miserable at the end of the show as she did in the beginning. They showed her cutting an apple on the countertop and she held the knife as if it were the first time. (Does Deborah employ an apple cutter?)

I looked around my humble but happy home which could easily fit into Deborah's family room or her personal bathroom-sitting room-walk-in closet cum fainting couch, and thought to myself that what Deborah needed was a renovation of her spirit not her house.