If you don’t ever use it or clean it, then you shouldn’t be able to design it.

That’s my thought for the day. I am so tired of odd ball kitchen and home appliances that are impossible to clean or use because of poor design. I’m assuming these appliances are either designed by men who’ve never touched a one of them, or working women with high paying jobs who pay someone to cook clean etc.

Vacuum: To change the bag in my Kirby I need a manual, tool kit, “man hands” and a flashlight.

Toaster: My toaster, and this means any of the 5 toasters I’ve had in the past few years, all burn toast. Why bother with the knob that shows all the different degrees of toasting if the toast always comes out the same: black with flames?

Not one of them has had a proper “up” position – you need to unplug the sucker and stick a fork in it to get the burnt toast out. Why can’t the lever that goes “up”, go up above the top of the toaster?

I’m not trying to toast itty bitty bits of bread, just a normal slice. Can’t it peek over the top a teensy weensy bit so I could pick it out with my hands rather than try to jam the lever up with enough force to pop the whole damn piece of toast high into the air where I must catch it with asbestos gloves on because remember it is aflame!

Microwave: Got a new one recently and its all about sensors. You pick vegetable and hit a button then pray it knows that this vegetable is a carrot and hard vs a soft vegetable like peas. Same thing with defrost – just one button whether it’s a 15 pound turkey or a filet of grey soul weighing .04 ounces. I don’t like putting all my faith in a machine that it will know the exact time to defrost or cook something. I want the power and not the sensor and I’m sensitive about this. (Yes, if I could find the book that came with it I might figure out how to manually use it rather than rely on these smart buttons, but that’s a whole other story – where do people keep their manuals? I hardly have room for cooking utensils in my kitchen never mind 40 pounds of manuals for living and non-living kitchen gadgetry.)

Stove grates: Mine can’t be kept clean. Only after having the stove installed and paying a boatload of money for it did I read the passage in the manual (managed to hold on to this one long enough to read the bad news…) that the grates would turn black and there was no amount of cleaning that would change that fact. Live with it was the basic advice from GE. So my taupe grates are now turning black and I am turning red.

Coffee Pot: Another cleaning disaster. How do you clean the inside area that holds the water? Okay you can do that vinegar cycle and then redo with plain water and then after 2 or 3 hours of brewing nothing it is supposed to be clean but I’ve found my next pot of coffee tastes more like salad dressing than coffee. Why can’t they have a removable part that holds the water that can be cleaned in the dishwasher?

Dishwasher. Never a place to put a wine glass. You can jam them on the bottom rack but they wobble and it’s a crap shoot if they can make it out of there alive. Dishwashers come with all these areas to hold dishes and glassware, but for some reason anything I have is either too small for the racks causing lots of movement during the cycles or is too thick and can’t fit. And why do you have to add the detergent on the door and then slam it shut quickly so the Cascade crystals don’t fly out onto the floor where two waiting dogs will lick them up as if they were exploded Pixi Sticks?

Last but not least, my cordless phone. It now monitors my phone calls. It gives me about 4 ½ hour calls or 2 hour calls or one big gab fest before it starts: beep beep beep. Letting me know I have talked beyond my limit for the day.

Then it has to stay on its cradle for the next 24 hours before we start the process all over again. I want more time off the cradle and wonder if Sony and husband are in cahoots over this talking limitation.

One last complaint.

The beeps. Oven beeps when it reaches temperature and oven timer beeps when the time is up. Coffee maker beeps when it’s ready and also beeps when it shuts off. Microwave beeps when the food is done or should I say when it thinks the food is done. It also beeps annoyingly if you don’t go and open the door and remove the food. It also beeps yet again when you are supposed to turn over the food and I’ve told you about how the phone beeps.

Certain times when the dew point is just so and the moon is in the second phase and the kitchen appliance’s biorhythms are rising, all the beeps go off at the same time and I feel like a bomb is about to explode. I run from one appliance to the other trying to stop the bleeping beeps and usually stub my toe.

And that my friends is my appliance tale of woe.