How Not to be a Good Cook

I don’t have all the answers but I have an acquaintance that does.

Ask her any question or no need to bother, she’ll assume an authoritarian voice and explain to you what’s right just for the fun of it. (And, as she is wont to say: there is only one right.)

There is no subject matter that she’ll back off. She really does believe she knows it all. She never doubts herself or her beliefs. She never wrangles with philosophical, political, religious or even moral concepts.

She is completely satisfied with her opinions or facts as she calls them. She’s annoying as hell and avoided at all cocktail parties for she is inebriated with her own self and her own opinions oops, pardon me, facts.

If you were the type to confront her or correct her “truisms” she will walk away and say: “you’re not ready to listen.” This behavior keeps her from ever having to think or ever hear an opposing point of view. Oh that’s right, she doesn’t have points of view, she deals in facts.

She is a true believer and lives in a world of answers only. And she's got them all.

She must be double-jointed as she is quite capable of patting herself on her own back. She will never need botox because her face is nauseatingly serene and smooth from never having to emote, to doubt, to wonder or ask why? All the time I’ve known her she never once has had the occasion to furrow her brow or raise her eyebrows. She wears a beatified expression that looks like she stole it from Mother Teresa.

Her house is immaculate.

Her cooking? Not so good.