I was just trying to be nice and keep my friends informed about my phone problems...


I didn’t have to think about what I’d write today as my dear friends wrote my post in their emails to me.

Background:

I have a most iffy phone system. I have a land line in the office that has no ringer. I have a wall phone in the basement with a broken ringer so it basically makes a rattling noise but not much more.

I have a cordless in the kitchen that’s attached to an answering machine. This phone is the problem phone. It is nasty and suffers from steroid rage, multiple personality disorder, ADD, PMS and Alzheimer’s. It's also a lazy slut.

This phone , as my grandmother used to say, has no rhyme or reason. It works it doesn't work - who knows why but it works enough not to replace it just yet.

Last week it stopped working. The answering machine stopped working too.

Since I have a group of friends that call frequently and would be concerned that they couldn’t get me, I wrote them an email explaining all the above and encouraging them to use my cell phone which I promised I’d try to keep charged and on my person.

I thought I was being nice to my dear friends when I sent the following to them:
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Subject: Phone is Dead

Hi Guys!

Don't know why or how, but our phone in the kitchen is dead which we discovered earlier today...don't know how long it's been not working.I do have one line that still rings but it's in the basement and it doesn’t exactly ring but the bell wiggles if you know what I mean...with the door closed it's hard to hear so let the phone keep ringing.

I will also attempt to keep my cell phone near me but I can't promise.I think we need a new phone and that's the problem but I'm not sure as some truck was mucking around with the telephone lines this AM.Wanted you guys to know ...xoxoxoxo me

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After a few days of waiting for husband to even look at the phone situation I decided to try to fix it myself. I was somewhat successful so I sent out another group email which said the following:

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Subject: Phone is better but still sick

Hi Guys, me again.

I thought I'd fixed the damn thing but it still isn't working right...I cleaned the prongs and the outlet and got it back charging. The answering machine part is now working...but the phone might need a battery. I can hear ringing now and get msgs, better than nothing. So that's the update...! xoxoxo

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I sent that msg yesterday and this morning found the following email replies from my dear friends:
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Subject: Phone status

MB -My phone is working. Doesn’t need a battery but may need it soon. I just cleaned it not too long ago and I also changed the ringer style. Instead of a long single ring it lets out two short rings in a higher pitch. I like it much better now. My voice mail is working fine but was thinking of changing the message.

More phone updates to come by the end of the week.

Love…H

and the next email…

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MB -I have one working phone but it doesn’t have caller ID and it’s upstairs far away in TR’s room. I have another phone that has a working caller ID and base unit/intercom but the handset/phone itself doesn’t work and I’ve replaced the battery and everything!

I’ll keep you up to date on latest developments as they become available.

Your phone friend, L
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and the next

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MB,
If you look at my chimney and see black smoke there is no new phone.

If you look at my chimney and see white smoke I have selected a new phone.

Yours H

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And they kept it up…
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MB - I will not be pulling the plug on my phone as I feel there is hope (even after many years of no improvement and a persistent non working state) that the phone will get better with proper rehabilitation and repair.

I had a conversation with my phone right after I bought it and it stated it wanted to be plugged in forever even if it looked like it may never work again. I even think I’ve heard it ring softly today.

Love L.

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more..

I’m sorry L but your phone told me 15 years ago if it could not survive on battery power alone it would not want to be dependant on having to be plugged in to a wall jack. I’m getting a court order to pull the plug and you can’t be there when I do it.

My phone is an honors student at Riverside Middle School.

All my best H.
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Then a new country was heard from when I got this email:

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MB - here's my update
Actually my phone needed new batteries last summer. I found them at "The Battery Guys" online. They're out of Canada and the service was very sweet, ay? I really recommend them for all your phone battery needs. I still use two wired phones so I am not without service in case of a power failure, one in the lodge and one in the bedroom.

But half the time I keep the one in the bedroom unplugged because I don't like it ringing during sex. The one in the lodge is a little finnicky but it seems to repair itself. I love when that happens. I was getting a very bad buzz in it, it is an old fashioned dial up replica, and I thought it had to be trashed. But, alas, it fixed itself. [MB, maybe your phone will find similar recuperative powers, ay?]

My cell phone reception here in the woods is not reliable so I really do need land lines too. Any of you ever consider dropping the landlines and going completely cell? I guess the jury is still out on brain-damage to the temporal lobe from too much cell phone use. Actually when I talk for any amount of time I use an earphone with the attached microphone and the actual cell phone is not anywhere near my head so I don't have to worry about brain damage, at least not from the phone. I wonder if the earpod causes cancer ?

I just counted the phones in our house: 9! One each in garage, kitchen, music room, living room, my office, J's office, bedroom, lodge, my studio. The ones in my office and the music room have two lines. You may want to jot that number down, 555-555-5555, but we never answer it so maybe you don't need to jot it down. My cell phone on the other hand is a crap shoot. Sometimes it's on, sometime's it's not.

I love it when it's in my pocket and it's set to vibrate rather than ring. Often I actually miss the call because I like the way it feels when it's vibrating and I'd rather have the vibration thing in my pocket than talk to anyone. It's a little like a Shiatsu massage.

Oh yeah, you can vibrate me at 444-444-4444. I'd be most appreciative.

Love G (naturally a guy wrote this...)
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I love my mocking friends who take such joy in teasing me about my phone update!

I can't judge if this interchange will be funny for you to read but I couldn't stop laughing when I opened my email this morning.

And yeah, the latest phone update is:

Seems to be okay in all respects except it refuses to allow Mother-in-law to leave a message. Can you see why I don't want to get rid of this phone? I love this phone!