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Thursday, May 19, 2005

I Hate Myself

Last night I felt like committing murder. Every few minutes, just when I was dozing off for a good night’s sleep, it started and jolted me from sleepiness right into hyper-awakeness.

Snoring…I hate it.

I know, people who snore aren’t doing it on purpose; snoring isn’t a choice but a manifestation of a physiological state. Still, it can taunt me into homicidal thoughts, severe and long-lasting anger and worst of all, keeps me awake all night which causes me to be a bitch on wheels all day long – a bitch with swollen eyes and a haggard look that is unbecoming to say the least.

I carry a grudge when I’ve been wakened numerous times by those awful snore roars that could wake the dead and do shake the bed. I scream at my husband “GET ON YOUR SIDE!” and give him a little push (the pushes get stronger and stronger as the number of wake-ups increase). I even take myself to the couch and sleep there – a punishment for my husband who detests it when I sleep anywhere other than next to him in the connubial bed.

Last night was one of the worst. The snoring was persistent and repulsive. The anger grew to new and frightening heights. In my sleep-deprived state I thought of emptying the medicine cabinet into my throat with the hope that I could reach a state of numbness where I would no longer hear the horrendous, snoring noises and get some well-needed sleep.

And, the very worst part of this whole scenario is: my husband is on a business trip and I was sleeping alone.

It was I who was making these sounds. It was I who intensely hated myself for waking me up. This has never happened before to me – apparently the ongoing sinus troubles I’ve been having are causing my sweet little sleep breaths to change into loud, bellowing animal-like sounds. I have become my own worst enemy.

I GOT ON MY SIDE! I jiggled the bed. I even took myself to the couch and tried to sleep there. I did everything I could think of to stop myself but nothing worked. At the precise and delicious moment when sleep was gently descending upon me, one of those snorts would rattle my head and bring me back to being fully awake when all sane people are snuggled in their beds and dead asleep.

I wanted to punch myself in my mouth; tear my hair out, beat the living snot out of me (pun intended) Never in my life have I hated myself with such intensity and fervor. I experienced the ultimate in self-revulsion at about 3AM this morning.

Now, swollen-eyed and cranky, I share my sad story. And my biggest fear is that after years of abusing my husband in his sleep (his own snoring doesn’t wake him up) I will have to suffer the same fate when he returns tonight and hears the cacophony of sounds coming from my mouth and or nasal passages.

Will he seek revenge upon me and push, shove, jiggle and holler at me to stop? Or, will he sleep through my snoring as he does his own?

I wonder.

15 Comments:

Blogger Echrai said...

I'm the same way. My ex-husband was a horrible snorer. Of course he also did other things in his sleep, too. (Talk, kick, try to strangle me) I don't usually snore, but once in a while, when I'm sick... ugh. And it wakes me up. There is only one thing I've found as a remedy. NyQuil. The big fucking Q does absolute wonders. Yeah, I'm a bit groggy the next day, but I do try to limit it to a half-dose when I need it. Unless I'm dying and off work... cause does that Q ever give you the Zzs.

1:33 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

I have heard so many good things about NyQuil that I think I'm going to get some..I tend to avoid drinking any kind of medicine because I find the taste so vile --but last night I would have swallowed lye if I'd have known I could go to sleep.

I need a big case of the Zzzzzzzzzzzs big time...

Glad you commented I keep checking and it seems like all of Blogland is on vacation...

1:40 PM  
Blogger paintergirl said...

I'm trying to be miss helpful today-have you ever tried those strips on the nose. I don't know if they work or not,but I would give it a go. I reluctantly tried some allergy medicine yesterday, and it helped somewhat. This after sneezing about a billion times and I wanted to scratch my eyes out.

2:12 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

paintergirl, I did try those nose thingies a long time ago when I had a bad cold, but they didn't seem to do the trick.

I'm thinking of perhaps making a third nostril then maybe that one would work...

2:32 PM  
Blogger Andrea said...

My dad is one of those roaring snorers. He's actually had surgery once or twice to help because he was becoming almost narcoleptic from lack of sleep. Growing up, there was no door between the room I shared with my sister and my parents' room (I know, I know, but I never heard a THING except the snoring). I remember feeling that rage, and then having dreams that the snores were words talking to me, teachers yelling at me, etc. My mom sometimes went downstairs to sleep on the sofa.

THANKFULLY...my husband does not snore. I only snore when I'm sick!

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my! When I read it was you, I couldnt help but laugh. My littlest snors so very bad. I ultimately took to him a specialist when family doc recommened getting his tonsils and adnoids removed. The specialist recommended it to stop the snoring. I didnt think surgury like that on a 5 year old simply for snoring was appropriate. Perhaps for a 'real' reason, or when he's much older. But no surgury for snoring at that age. Ironically, the past 6 months or so he has stopped the loud, wake the neighborhood snoring. Its a cute little snore now.
Apparently, I have started snoring. My kids were kind enough to record it for me a few days ago. Bless their little hearts. (read last line with think sarcaism)

8:22 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

You think you have it bad - not only does my wife snore, but both my pugs snore too! The big one sleeps on the wife's side, and the little one sleeps on my side so I get a Dolby surround-sound snore experience.
Fortunately, only the little one is really loud (go figure) so I usually manage to get enough sleep...

9:20 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Thanks for the tip Summer...I'll check it out. Ear plugs is another piece of good advice...I keep hoping that my sinuses will clear up and the snoring will go away..it must I insist.

10:09 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Andrea...once I found myself with a pillow in my hands sitting up looking down at my husband's face -- really!

After that we keep the ceiling fan on every night - even in the winter as a form of white noise to help drown out the snoring.

10:11 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

lawbrat, I think it's hilarious your kids recorded you...clever! Actually I'd have loved to hear myself last night in the hour or two I did sleep...must have been something.

I too would never go for surgery for minor stuff like snoring...

10:14 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

captain underpants - I adore pugs - I know they snore as a friend has two of them..but they are the sweetest most loving breed and worth every little or big snore.

As for your wife, I think she should have her sinuses checked.

Husband's home now and said I've been snoring since the sinus infection and he said it's been getting louder...but before this I almost never made any noise except some puffs...

Let's blame snoring on sinuses - I've always hated them and I can't see what purpose they have other than to irritate you.

10:18 PM  
Blogger Along said...

Oh dear. I hope you're feeling better.

I hardly ever snore. Even with my sinuses blicked, I find some way to get the air out. I think its thru the huge pores on the my nose.

My hubby, on the other hand, is an irritating snorer. Once he snored so loudly, he even woke up the baby. And guess who spent an hour trying to get her back to sleep? A hint: it wasn't the snorer!!!

11:33 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

You're too funny Along...cracked me up with the line about the huge pores...still laughing and feeling better..thanks.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Susie said...

I snore when I'm having sinus troubles, too. I'm not sure, but I think elevating the head can help, at least it helps with breathing. If you can stand an extra pillow, or a phone book or two under the mattress, that sort of thing. I have been plagued by insomnia in the last couple of months, including last night. It SUCKS.

1:54 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Susie, The worst part of insomnia for any reason is when someone tells you: When you get tired enough you'll fall asleep...these people I want to give noogies to...

2:20 PM  

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