I Hate Myself

Last night I felt like committing murder. Every few minutes, just when I was dozing off for a good night’s sleep, it started and jolted me from sleepiness right into hyper-awakeness.

Snoring…I hate it.

I know, people who snore aren’t doing it on purpose; snoring isn’t a choice but a manifestation of a physiological state. Still, it can taunt me into homicidal thoughts, severe and long-lasting anger and worst of all, keeps me awake all night which causes me to be a bitch on wheels all day long – a bitch with swollen eyes and a haggard look that is unbecoming to say the least.

I carry a grudge when I’ve been wakened numerous times by those awful snore roars that could wake the dead and do shake the bed. I scream at my husband “GET ON YOUR SIDE!” and give him a little push (the pushes get stronger and stronger as the number of wake-ups increase). I even take myself to the couch and sleep there – a punishment for my husband who detests it when I sleep anywhere other than next to him in the connubial bed.

Last night was one of the worst. The snoring was persistent and repulsive. The anger grew to new and frightening heights. In my sleep-deprived state I thought of emptying the medicine cabinet into my throat with the hope that I could reach a state of numbness where I would no longer hear the horrendous, snoring noises and get some well-needed sleep.

And, the very worst part of this whole scenario is: my husband is on a business trip and I was sleeping alone.

It was I who was making these sounds. It was I who intensely hated myself for waking me up. This has never happened before to me – apparently the ongoing sinus troubles I’ve been having are causing my sweet little sleep breaths to change into loud, bellowing animal-like sounds. I have become my own worst enemy.

I GOT ON MY SIDE! I jiggled the bed. I even took myself to the couch and tried to sleep there. I did everything I could think of to stop myself but nothing worked. At the precise and delicious moment when sleep was gently descending upon me, one of those snorts would rattle my head and bring me back to being fully awake when all sane people are snuggled in their beds and dead asleep.

I wanted to punch myself in my mouth; tear my hair out, beat the living snot out of me (pun intended) Never in my life have I hated myself with such intensity and fervor. I experienced the ultimate in self-revulsion at about 3AM this morning.

Now, swollen-eyed and cranky, I share my sad story. And my biggest fear is that after years of abusing my husband in his sleep (his own snoring doesn’t wake him up) I will have to suffer the same fate when he returns tonight and hears the cacophony of sounds coming from my mouth and or nasal passages.

Will he seek revenge upon me and push, shove, jiggle and holler at me to stop? Or, will he sleep through my snoring as he does his own?

I wonder.