Thanks for Stopping by and I Hope I Can Help


It’s time to share those burning questions that pop up in the minds of Google searchers, often in the wee hours of the morning.

At midnight yesterday, someone came to my blog for the answer to this question:

“How can you unflush a condom?”

Answer:

Unflushing is very difficult to do my friend. It’s right up there with unringing a bell or unpooping.

I wish I had an answer for you but my only advice is this: don’t flush condoms down a toilet. Instead, find an empty Altoids tin and place said condom in the tin. Click the tin closed and hide the forensic evidence of the event, in plain sight.

If you’re a collector of condoms, try a Pringles can. The average Pringles can will hold 128.5 condoms and can be left on your dresser or rolled under the bed. Most people don’t eat Pringles so chances are no one will open the top.

(Similar to why the Altoids tin also works. No one wants their mouth to foam up into blood blisters anymore, so most Altoids tins remain unopened also.)

+++++

Another search where I came up number one was:

Why crystallized bugs covered in turds?

Answer:

First, let me commend you on using the words crystallized and turds in the same sentence! Good job!

I have thought long and hard about your question, blog visitor. I do know quite a bit about turds covered in crystallized bugs, actually wrote an entomological thesis on this subject…but the reverse is indeed odd.

Forensics tells me you have come across crystallized bugs, and somehow turds have either been sinisterly placed over such bugs or someone or something has accidently pooped upon these crystallized bugs.

Either way it’s a crap shoot as to how that happened.

++++++

How to find homely housewives for Jeff?

Now this one angers me. Our Jeff who visits here has no interest in homely housewives. He is happily married to a beautiful woman and his preference tends towards attractive housewives. So there.

Answer:


If you are talking about another Jeff, then I would need to know more information.

Do you have a friend named Jeff who is looking for a housewife who must also be homely? If so, why would you help him in this search?

Was there a misspelling in your question? Did you place an “L” in the word homey by mistake? Were you really looking for a peep from the hood who likes to cook?

Well, that would elicit very different answers.

+++++

And the favorite question now for months – asked last night at 2 AM in the morning:

Where to find wax testicles?


The easiest question to answer by far!

Answer:

Madame Trousseaus

Keep those questions coming! Love it when I can really help my fellow man.

Hint for Google Searchers: use quotations marks!