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Location: Connecticut, United States

marybb1@gmail.com

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Stuff I Asked For on Past Christmas Lists –
(Which reminds me to be careful what I wish for.)



Wood Carving Kit

Don’t ask me why, but I had to have a wood carving kit. I wanted it so badly I could smell the wood shavings; I imagined myself carving fine ribbons of wood from a block of pine, until I transformed it into a thing of beauty.

The problem with wood carving, for me, is I have had numerous knife accidents in my life. I love a sharp knife for cutting and chopping but I also get distracted easily – the result being a few slices here and there that caused fear in my heart and blood splatter in my kitchen.

Still, I put “wood carving kit” on my annual Christmas list and sure enough Santa brought it to me. I opened the box and saw the tools I would have to use to carve wood and instantly got that sick feeling in my stomach that said: “Attempt to use these tools, Fool, and you will carve off a thumb for sure.”

When my stomach speaks that loudly to me I listen. The wood carving kit is still pristine, in its case and hidden somewhere in the attic to protect myself from it and vice versa.

Home Electrolysis Kit

I had a simple plan. I would start removing hair on my legs beginning at my ankles, and in a year would have smooth, hair-free legs that needed no attention ever again from the likes of a razor. Again Santa tried to please me and bought the expensive guaranteed-to-work electrolysis equipment for me. And with an eagerness only known metaphorically to brides or beavers (ha), I plugged in my zapper and began my work.

As Laurenbove would say: Jebus it hurt! I zapped and squealed with each zap. I told myself to butch up and I continued until I had zapped a two inch square of leg which was now one continuous oozing red wound.

I waited to let it heal. If after healing that patch was hair-free, I would start again, but I really wasn’t a masochist at heart – I needed to see results before I’d volunteer for more pain and suffering.

In about 8 days the red wound had lessened and turned into a crispy patch of scab. Out of the scab, what seemed like a million hairs had sprouted. They were healthy, thick and now black instead of blonde. Okay, that did it for me; the zapper was placed back into the box and sent to the attic to live with the wood carving kit.

117 Piece Cake Decorating Kit

Apparently I must be drawn to kits, since my third wish was for a fancy schmancy cake decorating kit with numerous tips that would help me to create gorgeous cakes that were works of art for all to behold.

I threw a box cake in the oven and eagerly pawed through my booklet and accouterments that came with my 117 Piece Cake Decorating Kit. Should I do basket weave frosting? Should I opt for the wisteria hanging off the side of the cake colored in periwinkle blue or should I attempt the circus cake in primary colors?

Oh boy, I was prepared to have fun. I whipped up huge bowls of frosting and lined the kitchen table with newspaper. I was ready to decorate.

Unfortunately, in my state of euphoria imagining this beautiful cake I was going to make, I burnt the real one in the oven. Since, as they say, you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, I found another box cake, threw that one together and placed it in the oven which was still pumping out heat waiting to cook something correctly if I’d just get the damn thing out of the oven on time.

I managed to take this cake out when it was moist and perfect and waited anxiously for it to cool. I filled my frosting bags with colored icing and selected appropriate tips to fasten onto the bags. I had my spinner-rose-creator appliance in position and my decorative “rake” that would add ripples to my frosting for an “ethereal” effect, according to the directions.

Two hours later, the fruits of my labor had produced a gray cake that looked like the cat walked on it.

It was then, I realized cake decorating must take a knack that I did not have. My frosting colors had bled one into the other; the rake had the effect of feline claws on upholstery and did not add anything near "ethereal" to the look of my confection.

The kitchen was a mess, sticky and multi-colored; the cake was the color of dun. No one eats a dun cake. Even a blind person could have sensed this cake was not appropriate for consumption.

So, with a gentleness I was not feeling in my heart, I packed up the 117 Piece Cake Decorating Kit and brought it up to the attic to nestle in the box with the two other requested, yet rejected, kits.

Since then, every time husband inquires as to what I would like for Christmas, I have to remember my kit experiences and reject any idea I might have for a present that falls under the kit category.

No kits for this kid, ever again.

24 Comments:

Blogger kristen said...

MMM, Be careful of what you wish for indeed!!
Great post as usual.....I love these pictures of your life.
My Christmas list this year is about sporting equipment. Spinning shoes and snow shoes. Our backyard butts up to a country club golf course that we don't belong to. In the winter I plan to put on my music and snow shoes and go do some good, fun cardio in a safe environment.
Perhaps I can interest you in sporting equipment?? It usually has the same shelf life as those kits. (=

10:08 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

girl, you've been on a roll lately. how come you so funny? I cringe with the wood carving kit b/c I recall such a gift and the ensuing wound upon my person. well done, my friend!

10:41 AM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

AMK - I can't ask for sporting equipment because I am prone to sports injuries. For ex: before I had removed my tennis racket from it's case, I jumped on the court and raising my racket over head said: Ta Dah! (Causing a pulled hamstring injury that took months to heal while the tennis balls remained in their vacuum packed container...)

No kits, no sports equipment - must be I'll have to ask for diamonds and furs!

LB - We just cross commented!

I loved your post today...(MAS* I know, but it's true..cleverly done!)

*Mutual Admiration Society

I think maybe some sunshine is working on my funny bones...

10:53 AM  
Blogger Echrai said...

Wow - you make me feel so... well.. silly with the gifts I request. :) I mean, seriously - what is an umbrella or windchime compared to these gifts! I applaud you - even if they never get used again.

12:15 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

I don't believe in kits.

I believe in paying someone else who has kits to do stuff for me.

A much simpler lifestyle!

12:19 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Echrai...I figure Christmas is a time for those unusual things you want but would never buy for yourself..this year I'm thinking a hammered dulcimer..(and not a kit to make one, one made all ready)

JDJ - you are so right. Let those with the kits do the work and
those without the kits stay kit-free with more attic space!

12:58 PM  
Blogger dashababy said...

I think I like it when you're rained in. Seems like I get more of your posts to read.
This is too funny. Immediatley upon reading about the wood carving kit, I'm thinkin' splinters. Mary you are not the only one that's accident prone when it comes to sharp objects. Last Christmas I almost sliced my little finger off while cutting butter. Ok so the butter was frozen but still. Heck, I don't even need sharp objects to cut myself just give me some paper and eventually I will hurt myself.

1:33 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Dashababy says: Heck, I don't even need sharp objects to cut myself just give me some paper and eventually I will hurt myself.

Now THAT is funny -it sure got me laughing - hey it's sunny now, but I felt like blogging anyhow!

1:40 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

Cat insurance blog!

You gotta leave that one in... that is great!

2:27 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

They must have searched for KIT and thought CAT so they dumped their Spam...I keep alternating between word verification and none, hoping they'll go away, but they keep coming back! Yes, JDJ - I will leave this one on the comments..it is really funny....

2:29 PM  
Blogger jac said...

MB
I always laugh when I leave this site.

3:06 PM  
Blogger Echrai said...

Oooooo... dulcimer! I'd LOVE one of those. Or a real harp. I've always LOOOOOVED the harp. It's like the piano only prettier. (and I've been a concert pianist in a piror life. y'know, before programmer, teacher, and law student.)

3:51 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Hey, Jac...glad you had a laugh - sure enjoyed your article on how you got your mother...touching!

You are a multi-talented woman -- I never got that good on the piano, but I loved it - funny since blogging I don't play it that much - I guess there's only so many "play" hours in a day.

Harps are wonderful instruments but a bit bulky...

4:32 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

I meant to say Echrai you are a multi-talented woman - we all know Jac is not a woman - not in any way shape or form!

4:33 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

HEY... you no laugh. Cat insurance very good thing! Vet bills sooo expensive. Why I talk like this? Cats no speak right? Vet bills make me lose my think?

Cat insurance for injuries to cat? For injuries cat make to person? For lost cat? Me not so sure now. meow. meow. meowmeowmeeooowww.

5:14 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Meow, what ever insurance it is, you can be sure your cat doesn't qualify.

Calicos only, sorry.
Five-toed cats only, sorry.
Minx cats only,
Death benefits only if cat's killed by mouse. etc.

6:53 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I love that you seem to think the kit posesses some kind of magic that will transform you into an expert. I sure hope you don't spend a lot of time watching the shopping network. You could really get into trouble.

My ex-boyfriend always falls for the juicers. He must have had every one ever sold on TV and was convinces that perfect health was his if he could just drink enough damn juice. All that happened was a lot fruit went bad in the fridge and he got the runs from too much fruit. Yikes!

7:03 PM  
Blogger The Egel Nest said...

I did not realize that a cake could HAVE 117 different tools to decorate with...

Where did I put my Cake Socket Wrench anyway???

Bradley
The Egel Nest

11:38 PM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Michelle, you nailed it - I DO think a kit will turn me into an expert...you crystallized this for me...now I know better 8-)

Bradley! Cake socket wrench is hilarious...you should have seen this "kit" it had so much promise...but I guess you not only needed the kit but needed talent too...

7:13 AM  
Blogger Ilanna said...

AHhh kits... they are so much fun. They never come out quite right though ya know? Me, I go for simplicity... things like "breadmaker - dump ingredients and push button" :) or BOOKS!!! books are safe!!! like books. :)

As for the cat insurance... are you sure they aren't part of the kitty mob, and are selling you "insurance" to make sure the cats don't come and wreak havoc? :)

Love your blog MB - always entertaining.

9:06 AM  
Blogger mary bishop said...

Hey Ilanna! I like your idea of the kitty mob...

Maybe I could do Litter box Lotto? Guess how long it will take to have a cat use a brand new fresh clean litter box. In my house, the cats wait till I place it on the floor and then run to it for first poop rights.

9:12 AM  
Blogger paintergirl said...

I love this post. You are so funny. Always brightens my day.I cannot do kits either. I think there is way too much pressure placed upon me for greatness. My greatness comes when I'm spontaneous, not folling somebody else's Martha Stewart picture. I used to really enjo wood cutting, but yes, I have't done it in awhile, because there was an incident, and there was some blood involved.

Cake decorating...I am so bad at this. I only resort to writing my son's name on his cake-that's it. I usually try to cut the cakes in some shape. They always come out looking like some split image picasso form

9:48 AM  
Blogger jac said...

Being a woman is in no way shameful as far as I am concerned.
How do you know my shape, Mary ? Have you seen me ? EYE haven't seen you.

2:56 PM  
Blogger Sally Tomato said...

You are one busy blogger, Mary Bishop. I can barely keep up. I'm afraid i'm going to miss some note-worthy comedy.

Great stuff!

7:59 PM  

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