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Tchotchkes

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Location: Connecticut, United States

marybb1@gmail.com

Saturday, April 11, 2009

April 11th.

The date that causes my skin to crawl and my heart to beat madly.

The one day of the year I fear the most is only 24 hours away. Today I will worry and wonder what tomorrow will bring. Oh the bunny will stop by for sure, but it's not the bunny that causes my blood to run cold.

It's the ants.

For some reason, they like to come on April 12th -- an annual trek into my kitchen. They come up from behind the back splash and under the dishwasher and congregate to the right of my kitchen sink. They hide under the cutting board and make mad dashes back to their entry points if they see or hear me coming.

Then when it's quiet, out they come again, searching for food where none can be found.

Seriously, I do have areas that could tempt an ant. I have a bread box, the occasional cat food dish or dog food dish that's left a second too long on the floor, sending off food fumes into the atmosphere. My ants eschew these areas.

There is nothing to the right of the sink that should entice them. Still, year after year, no matter how much ant repellent is sprayed or how many ant buttons are secreted under the sink, they return like lemmings to the right of my sink causing me much distress and anguish.

Since I'm hosting a spring party tomorrow, I can imagine trying to make food while the little buggers are popping up on my counter top as if by magic. And would the wonderful smells from my kitchen be impacted by the toxic fumes of RAID? I would think so.

Of course, the devious, dancing ants are not always 100 percent accurate on their arrival date. Once or twice, they've come a day earlier or later. I'm hoping for an ETA of Monday when guests will be home in their ant-free kitchens and I can keep my dirty little secret all to myself.

Oh yes, there's another element of fear to inject into my party. My stove. I hate my stove and have since the day I got it. It works fine, that's not the problem. It's the taupe colored grates on my GE dual fuel range that are uncleanable, making the grates look as if I'd never attempted to clean them in my life. It wasn't until after the stove was set up and I'd taken possession of it that I read the paragraph in the booklet that said: no matter what you do, your grates are going to look ugly very soon. That's not verbatim, but close.

Okay, so I cook on the dirty looking stove, what's the problem? The problem is my stove has been "recalled" and I've been told I really shouldn't use the oven. Ha ha ha, GE is just a riot. The day before guests are arriving ready for a hot meal I'm supposed to serve them take out or throw a BYOF party...as in bring your own food.

Apparently these dual fuel stoves are catching on fire.

Hey shit happens, I'll take the risk of the fire, but god no ants please!

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